The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide To Eccentric & Discredited Diseases Page 3

  However, the effort to spread the word will now pass on to Drs. VanderMeer and Roberts. I cannot say I have much regard for their medical abilities—when I found them, they were falsely using their medical degrees to practice veterinary medicine in a remote mountainous region of Chile, often with disastrous results to the local guinea pig population. But in the realm of editing medical guides, they have proven to be decent clerks and I lack the energy to find more competent replacements.

  Being now at the advanced age of 102 and unlikely to live more than another 30 years, it seems time to pass over the editorship of this guide to more vigorous if less articulate hands. That being so, it is important to end this introduction with some words of wisdom. Having thought on the matter long and hard, I have decided to set out some rules for doctors and laypeople to follow in their pursuit of truth in medicine. They are as follows, and may be familiar from earlier in this very introduction (I’m not sure; my vision has begun to fail.)

  1. Never ask for bandages in Cairo.

  2. Always check your bags for parasites after passing through customs in Zaire.

  3. Never run from a python if you’ve suffered from diarrhea the night before.

  4. If a Dr. Ramsey Sackland approaches you in Ceylon offering a medical anecdote about the effect of applying bloating frogs to gaping chest wounds, escape under the cover of a fit of intense coughing.

  5. Some mountain passes in the Himalayas contain a grade of snow so fine that it can be used to disinfect septic wounds.

  6. Pills are useless.

  7. Doctors are useless.

  8. Medical guides are useless.

  DR. THACKERY T. LAMBSHEAD (RETIRED)

  SEPTEMBER 2003

  Alphabetes

  A Disease Guide Benediction for the Health & Safety of All Contributors, Readers, and (Sympathetic) Reviewers

  A is for alphabetes, a kind of lung disease

  Nearly epidemic in the New York demi-monde.

  The unaware Vanessa broadcast with every sneeze

  A cloud of viral letters in a classic Garamond.

  B is for the booksores familiar to the reader

  Who inherits a propensity for a nose pressed to the gutter.

  The suppurating chancres that decorated Peter

  Were scarcely less unsightly than the ones upon his mother.

  C is for cruditis, a vegetarian complaint

  In which peculiar polyps grow in circular arrays.

  On radishes and carrots Bette would feast without restraint

  Despite their strange resemblance to the growths upon her face.

  D is for the dentruff on the collars, scarves, and ties

  Of those who every time they chew misplace a tooth or two.

  Bruno, always spitting up a cuspidal surprise

  Once lost all his teeth at once inside an amour fou.

  E is for eraserrhosis, a degenerative affliction

  In which the whole identity is forced into remission.

  Pamela was convinced that her existence was a fiction

  And edited herself into a pocket-sized edition.

  F is for fellatia, a spasm of the lips

  That resembles the intention to pronounce an o umlaut.

  Lucretia in a coughing fit occasioned by the grippe

  Sucked in her mouth so hard she turned her body inside out.

  G is for gardenia, pronounced just like the flower,

  A fungal infestation that does no especial harm.

  Whenever Jennifer was moistened by a sudden shower

  The verdant tips of crocuses appeared under each arm.

  H is for the houseburn caused by leaning on a wall

  A good deal less hygienic than a low-rent gigolo.

  Remember Meghan who complained of an enormous gall,

  From which when lanced was taken forth a fetal bungalow.

  I is I, a malady that everybody gets

  We catch it from our parents and we give it to our kids

  Something like a charley horse, something like Tourette’s

  Emily takes her medicine and cures herself to bits.

  J is for jack-o’-lepsy, an inflammation of the head

  The eyes are bright, the skin like rind, the palate black and scorched

  Josiah got an idee fixe from something that he read:

  To cut off the afflicted part and hoist it like a torch.

  K is for kangarupus; all that hopping makes you sick

  Plus the pouch is very hungry and it’s also very deep.

  Libby solved both problems with a topological trick:

  She scrambled into her own pouch, and there she fell asleep.

  L is for landscabies, an environmental disease

  The rash resembles close-ups of the art of Claude Monet.

  In a horizontal format Conrad retrogressed at ease.

  When he died the doctor hung him up in his atelier.

  M is mustachiosis, a quite disfiguring bug

  Contracted through proximity to hairy people’s lips.

  Covered in mustaches Joe refused to take the drug

  Deciding he looked rather smart, he waxed and curled the tips.

  N is for the nebulouse, another small companion

  That drills a zillion little holes and leaves you very porous.

  William was a heavy man when he left for the Grand Canyon.

  He will come down when full of rain, meteorologists assure us.

  O is for o’clock-jaw, an orderly disorder

  With punctual attacks the victims measure out their fate

  Every hour upon the hour, the half-hour and the quarter

  Olivia yawns and comments, “How late it is, how late.”

  P’s for pandora’s botulism, a vaginal infection

  Caused by curiosity, the older textbooks say.

  Ramona spread her legs and from a southerly direction

  Came a budgerigar, ten dollars, and a t-shirt from LA.

  Q is for quotation martyr, prone to this convulsion:

  The index finger and its neighbor suffer rhythmic cramps.

  Alas, the victims often face not pity but revulsion.

  I “love” you, Vaughn said, and was cold-cocked with a lava lamp.

  R’s for rhyme’s disease in which your organs are replaced

  By things that rhyme with what they’re called in common barroom talk.

  Your ass is grass, your guts peanuts, your face is made of lace.

  She likes me this way said Germain, of his enormous wok.

  S for seraphism, a delusion which will lay low

  Those whose passion for good works exceeds the bounds of sense.

  A gaseous emission from the scalp explains the halo,

  “But explain the wings!” demanded an hysterical Hortense.

  T is for tantaluscence, a severe indisposition

  Contracted when in seeking love one faces an impasse.

  The pain when the desired is near but forbids intromission!

  Roger tied himself in knots when courting his own ass.

  U is for UFOnanism, a seldom seen complaint;

  Growths resemble household objects or a glowing ball.

  Describing these to doctors who appeared to find him quaint,

  Anatole was told that they did not exist at all.

  V is for ventriloqueasy, something we’ve all felt

  The day our parasitic twins began to answer back.

  To mute the talking dummy growing from below her belt

  Ruthless Gwenda stuffed its mouth with a piece of bric-a-brac.

  W is for the wishboned: a strangely cheerful few

  Who appear in casts so often they’re suspected to malinger.

  Every time a bone gives way another wish comes true;

  Vanessa on a stretcher smiled and snapped a baby finger.

  X is for Xmasectomy, effective if done early

  Doctors say do not ignore these signs presaging doom:

  The giant paunch, the snowy beard (disturbin
g in a girlie) . . .

  The plaintive cry of “Ho ho ho” was heard from Hannah’s room.

  Y is for yogarictus, its symptoms easy to descry:

  The afflicted assume postures that make onlookers agog.

  Despite advanced decrepitude Xavier seemed quite spry

  Until the day he could not leave his downward facing dog.

  Z for Zeno’s paradoxysm, which fills us with misgiving,

  By infinitely tiny steps it deadens but won’t kill.

  As no one could be sure if Aunt Augusta was still living

  We propped her in her favorite chair to wait. She’s waiting still.

  COMPOSED BY DR. SHELLEY JACKSON AND READ AT DR. THACKERY T. LAMBSHEAD’S 100TH BIRTHDAY PARTY 1

  MEDICAL GUIDE KEY

  For a variety of reasons, including several complaints, we have decided (with Dr. Lambshead’s approval) to label three unfortunate conditions pertaining to the diseases described in this guide.

  DISCREDITED—A disease that has been discredited by another of our many doctors. In the case of a full discreditation, we remove the disease from the Guide prior to publication. However, in the case of a partial discreditation or a full discreditation occurring very close to our release date, we do not have time for confirmation. In such a case, we leave the disease in the Guide. If a full discreditation is confirmed, the next edition of the Guide will include all pertinent data.

  INFECTIOUS—A disease wherein the mere reading of a disease guide entry may infect the reader with the disease being read. In such cases, we now provide a symbol that allows the reader to decide if he or she wishes to continue reading the disease entry, or simply browse another section.

  QUARANTINED —A disease that has clearly infected the doctor submitting the disease to this Guide. In such a case, we publish the information, but now provide a Quarantined symbol that alerts the reader to this unfortunate state of affairs.

  BALLISTIC ORGAN SYNDROME

  Ballistitis

  Country of Origin

  Java (Indonesia)

  First Known Case

  Ballistic Organ Syndrome, although rare, has been known since prehistoric times. In Australasia and Micronesia, cave paintings have been found depicting humans and animals with internal organs erupting from their bodies. (1)

  Symptoms

  Ballistic Organ Syndrome manifests as a sudden, explosive discharge of one or more bodily organs at high velocity; this exit may be accompanied by some pain. There are two known variants: subsonic Ballistitis, in which the velocity of ejection does not exceed that of sound, and distinguished by an explosive discharge from throat or anus accompanied by a release of wet, atomized bodily contents; and supersonic Ballistitis, in which the organ exits the body by the path of least resistance, breaking free directly through muscle, tendon, bone, and skin tissues.

  Supersonic Ballistitis is the more dangerous manifestation, as the ejecta exceed the speed of sound and therefore strike without warning. Surprisingly, however, the high energy of supersonic Ballistitis discharge cauterizes the surface of the organ and sterilizes the ejected bodily contents, so that the overall risk of infection is less than that of subsonic Ballistitis.

  In rare cases, the Ballistitis virus infects the patient’s entire body. Eventually, some event causes one or more cells to rupture, after which the patient’s body is disrupted in an explosive ejection of all bodily organs. This manifestation of the syndrome frequently occasions the death of the patient; at best, the loss of all bodily organs will cause considerable inconvenience and distress (as set out in Doctor Buckhead Mudthumper’s Encyclopedia of Forgotten Oriental Diseases).

  History

  During the 1709 siege of Batavia (today Jakarta), the Sultan of Solo used Ballistitis-infected slaves as catapult ammunition, in hopes of injuring (and infecting) enough of the Dutch defenders to render their fortifications untenable. Fortunately for the Dutch the governor of Batavia, Peter van Tilberg, was familiar with Ballistitis from his service as a surgeon’s assistant in Celebes (today Sulawesi). Van Tilberg ordered that infected citizens be expelled from the city; those infected individuals wreaked havoc among the besieging Javanese. Pieter van Tilberg later wrote an epic poem, “The Liver’s Red Glare,” in commemoration of the Dutch victory.

  It is obvious from this account, however, that Ballistitis must have been endemic throughout the Indonesian Archipelago for years, if not centuries, prior to this event.

  Randolph Johnson spent several months in the Indonesian Archipelago, searching for Ballistitis sufferers in hope of collecting case studies for his posthumously-published Confessions of a Disease Fiend, an autobiographical account of the tragic sexual obsession that culminated in his death. During sexual congress with a catamite in Mataram (Lombok, Indonesia), Johnson lost an arm to a supersonic Ballistitis discharge. Johnson was evacuated to Singapore aboard the Royal Navy frigate Indomitable, but died en route.

  Cures

  Ballistitis is known to be caused by a retrovirus that reprograms body cells to concentrate water at extremely high pressures. This build up may continue for days or weeks, until one or more cells is ruptured and the pressure is released in a steam explosion. This initiates a chain reaction of other infected cells, causing one or more organs to be ejected with great force. The violence of supersonic Ballistitis is more likely to trigger adjacent cell detonation, and so a supersonic ejection is unlikely to be followed by subsequent ejections; subsonic Ballistitis eruptions, however, may continue until no organs remain in the body cavity. As reported in The Journals of Sarah Goodman, Disease Psychologist, both forms of the disorder occasion some distress on the part of the patient.

  The Ballistitis retrovirus may be transmitted through direct contact with organic ejecta or through inhalation of atomized bodily contents. Medical personnel dealing with infected patients are strongly recommended to seek the advice of a military fortifications engineer to assist in deploying sandbagging and overhead protection, as ejected organs can travel a considerable distance and explode with some force on impact. When handling a patient at close quarters, respirator masks and ballistic body armor are strongly recommended as prophylaxis. Under no circumstances should a patient be immersed in water or any similarly incompressible fluid, placed in close proximity to load-bearing members of any structure, or surrounded by objects that might become lethal shrapnel in the event of an explosion.

  In cases where one or a few organs have been ejected, organ transplantation is a useful means of restoring organic function; the surgeon should, however, ensure that all infected tissue has been excised. Unwary surgeons have worked for hours to save a patient’s life, only to have the recently-implanted organ rejected in spectacular (and hazardous) fashion.

  Submitted by

  DR. MICHAEL BARRY, INSTITUTE OF PSYCHIATRIC VENEREOLOGY, HUGHES, AUSTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY

  Endnote

  (1) “Explosive Ejection of Bodily Contents In Prehistoric Cave Art: A Medical Mystery Solved?” by James H. Twickenham, in Tropical Diseases Quarterly vol. 12.

  Cross References

  Buboparazygosia; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Motile Snarcoma; Pentzler’s Lubriciousness

  BLOODFLOWER’S MELANCHOLIA

  Country of Origin

  England

  First Known Case

  The first and, in the opinion of some authorities, the only true case of Bloodflower’s Melancholia appeared in Worcestershire, England, in the summer of 1813. The local doctor professed himself baffled by the symptoms of Squire Bloodflower’s eldest son, Peter, then a youth of 18. “In all my many years as a physician,” he wrote in his diary, only recently discovered, “I have never encountered such a puzzling and recalcitrant malady, whose origin must surely lie in the mysteries of the human soul.”

  Symptoms

  “Since entering manhood the young Peter had manifested a distinguished gloom, which, on his achieving his majority, blossomed into a consummate mania. He shunned all active pursuits and dressed entir
ely in black. The sight of something as simple as sunshine or as innocent as a flower reduced him to tears of grief. He rejected normal sustenance, and exhibited a compulsion to drink ink and to eat paper. When these staples were put out of reach he began to consume his books; and on these being removed he retreated into a primitive and immobile state, akin to that of the embryo in the womb, from which he emerged only by God’s grace and in his own good time.” (From the diaries of Dr. Amos Smith, Worcester County Library)

  History

  Although Peter Bloodflower’s is the first recorded case, there is reason to suspect a previous history of instability in the family (notably that of his aunt, Laetitia Bloodflower, who ended her days in a convent in Provence), which for reasons of social nicety had been carefully concealed. On recovering from his first attack, in the autumn of 1816, Peter went to London where he became part of the Romantic circle, mixing freely with such luminaries as Keats and Shelley, and, it is thought, making a considerable impression on their receptive minds. Keats’ “Ode on Melancholy” is thought to have been addressed to him. It is likely, however, that Bloodflower’s real interest lay with Keats’ former roommate and fellow medical student, Henry Stephens, who may have developed his famous blue-black ink for the express purpose of satiating Bloodflower’s secret thirst.

  However, the true notability—and controversy—of Bloodflower’s Melancholia lies in its hereditary character. According to the journals of Sarah Goodman, the distinguished disease psychologist, “no other disorder of the appetites and the emotions has manifested itself with such repeated exactness in successive generations of the same family.” Nor, she might have added, amongst so wide a scattering of its members. Charcot’s treatment of Justine Fleur-de-Sang at the Salpetriere in 1865, and Freud’s encounter with Hans Blutblum in Vienna in 1926, bear witness to the familial tenacity of the condition. Not to mention the direct descendants of Peter Bloodflower, resident in Worcestershire until this very day. Each one has exhibited the same ink-drinking and paper-eating tendencies, combined with extreme Weltschmerz, “as if,” in the words of Dr. Smith, “the weight of nature were too great for his fragile spirit to endure.”