The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide To Eccentric & Discredited Diseases Read online

  History

  The history of Fungal Disenchantment is perhaps the history of all human conflict. Indeed, as sad as it may be, the condition is most likely the cause of the petty jealousies and power struggles within the medical community that have prevented its recognition and research. It is widely believed by those who accept the existence of this malady—a precious few who are willing to set aside their fears and smug assumptions about human nature—that the Animal Kingdom is similarly afflicted. If this is true, perhaps there are no true carnivorous creatures and the Peaceable Kingdom portrayed by the poets is the world without Fungal Disenchantment. Perhaps the disease is but a predatory mechanism whereby a fungus—as yet unidentified—lures its prey into the forest. A study of the various fungi growing in close proximity to the “dead wood” sites might yield useful knowledge as to the source of the disease.

  Cures

  Until Fungal Disenchantment is recognized and studied, there will be no cure. The human digestive and respiratory systems contain any number of fungal spores at any given time, and so the task of isolating and determining from which fungus the disease originates is formidable. Tragically, every day that goes by many fall prey to this horrible malady and humankind drifts further and further from a Utopian society.

  Submitted by

  DR. ALAN M. CLARK (on behalf of and in loving memory of Dr. Duane Lovesome Backscatter, formerly of the Facility at St. Blackledge, who was shot and killed during his final attempt to gain acceptance for Fungal Disenchantment)

  Cross References

  Diseasemaker’s Croup; Third Eye Infection; Tian-Shan Gobi Assimilation

  FUSELI’S DISEASE

  Borghesia Simplex

  Description

  Named after the eighteenth-nineteenth century artist Henry Fuseli, whose most famed work is The Nightmare, Fuseli’s Disease is included in that small and as yet poorly understood class of pathologies referred to as the “Twilight Ailments.” (Other Twilight Ailments, such as the fictopathic illnesses that render authors capable of creating only diseased characters, have been covered more comprehensively elsewhere, and will thus only be alluded to in passing here.)

  Symptoms

  The symptoms of Fuseli’s are unpleasant yet at first glance unremarkable: a rash of red and painful blisters not dissimilar to chicken pox, accompanied by flu-like side effects and, in some instances, mild hair loss. The peculiarities of the disease do not become apparent until we consider that these irritating and persistent symptoms only manifest themselves within the sufferer’s dreams.

  In typical scenarios, the patient will at first report an ordinary dream of, for example, sitting a university-level exam in their underwear, but will note that they experienced a runny nose and a slight headache at the time. During their following evening’s dreams these symptoms will have worsened and some figure in the fantasy (perhaps their long-dead grandmother or a popular entertainer like, say, Miss Alanis Morissette) will remark upon the vivid scarlet rash by which the dreamer seems afflicted. One night later, and with the infection now full-blown, we might expect the patient to recall a nightmare that involved phoning in sick to work from a rear deck of the Titanic. It need not be said that in the mornings following these dream debilitations, the afflicted person will awaken in full health without the faintest sign of their oneiric night-complaints.

  By now, however, this meta-infection has them in its grip. Barring a spontaneous remission or developments in treating the disease, the sufferer will be condemned to nightly dreams of itching, sneezing, loss of breath, and spottiness for the remainder of their natural life, hardly a pleasant prospect even when the lack of “real” or waking symptoms is taken into account.

  Making matters worse is the heavily infectious nature of the illness, and the difficulty in containing outbreaks if they should occur. Quarantine, quite obviously, is not an option. Should a woman in even the early stages of Fuseli’s dream, for instance, of her partner, or if he should dream of her, there is substantial risk that the disease will be transmitted. If the dream is of a sexual nature, this risk will undoubtedly be higher, but even dreams of passing some remote and near-forgotten old acquaintance in the street have been known to result in near immediate infection.

  History

  Celebrities, by virtue of the fact that they, statistically, are dreamed about more often than the less well-known, are more prone to Fuseli’s than the ordinary member of the public, and it comes as no surprise to find the famous in the foremost ranks of those contending with this “Twilight Ailment.” Morissette has not for some five years now dreamed of anything but trying not to scratch her rash-afflicted arms or blowing her nose constantly until it is pink and sore. Reportedly, a new song, “Spotty Dreams,” to be released on a forthcoming album, talks in frank and open terms about the (literal) nightmare faced by the Fuseli’s sufferer, and of the many issues the disease has raised in her own life.

  While celebrity confessions such as these are welcome in that they raise the awareness profile in relation to the illness and may thus attract more funding for investigation of this distressingly elusive yet resilient complaint, the prospects for an early cure seem bleak. Far from unanimous in their opinions on the ailment’s treatment, the majority of experts are unable to agree even upon the basic nature of Fuseli’s.

  Theories

  One school of thought, which at this writing seems to be enjoying an increase both in momentum and in credibility, holds that Fuseli’s is in fact a viral ailment, with the understanding that it is a virus only in what Richard Dawkins termed as the memetic sense. This is to suggest that Borgesia simplex is what Dawkins called a “meme,” a unit of transmitted information that is the gene’s equivalent upon a purely neurological and insubstantial mental plane. In simple terms, this school of thought puts forward the opinion that Fuseli’s Disease is at root a simple concept or idea, yet an idea that will behave exactly as a virus does: having located and infected a host, it will then convert that host into a virtual factory for the replication and transmission of itself, just as the common cold converts its host into a perfect vector for the further spreading of the common cold.

  Those who support this theory have suggested that the illness, which has only recently reached widespread and thus noticeable proportions, may have broken out initially due to the idea of the disease occurring, in an entirely hypothetical, imaginary form to someone who then wrote a brief description of it. If this description (which may after all have been intended whimsically) were to have been published by some means or other, it may be supposed that there would be, amongst its readers, some who were suggestible enough to dream of the complaint and its lamentable effects. This would, theoretically, allow the virus to establish itself and then spread throughout a given culture. While this notion of the ailment’s origins leaves many questions still unanswered, at the same time it cannot be easily dismissed.

  Cures

  Whatever the causes of Fuseli’s, its effects are plain and, in some cases, devastating. It is to be hoped that in the not too distant future we may chance upon some serum, possibly derived from the systems of those Fuseli’s victims who have dreamed of first contracting the disease and then have dreamed of getting over it. Until such time, however, as a cure may be arrived at we should not as a society remain complacent, nor should we sleep easily, assuming we should sleep at all.

  Submitted by

  DR. ALAN MOORE, NORTHAMPTON MEDICAL CLINIC

  Cross References

  Buscard’s Murrain; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Internalized Tattooing Disease; Wuhan Flu

  HSING’S SPONTANEOUS SELF-FLAYING SARCOMA

  First Known Case

  First noted in the canton of Xao in 1712, there is a short mention of the Sarcoma in Doctor Buckhead Mudthumper’s Encyclopedia of Forgotten Oriental Diseases (Ch. 412, footnote, pp. 1167-69). Subsequent outbreaks appeared like a rash across the district of Lo in the early 1800s, and subsequently as a single instance in Vulture’s Knee, Alabama: the
only appearance of the disease outside its native China, and the most widely documented case.

  In the original case, a humble blood merchant named Hsing Xi spontaneously self-flayed during a family celebration (see below). Surviving relatives composed a poem to commemorate the sad event, providing a record of the initial appearance of this disease—

  First lotus-like, Then howling. The master of the house is dead.

  —but the incident was held locally to be the result of a curse placed upon Hsing Xi after he accidentally trod upon a neighboring warlord’s prize fighting cricket. Such supernatural explanations must, of course, be discounted in these more enlightened times. (1)

  Symptoms

  In the earliest stages, a crimson blotch appears across the crown of the head. A day or so later, the outer layer of the epidermis splits at the temple into a series of lotus-like petals, apparently causing the victim to force his/her head into the nearest narrow gap (such as a window frame) rather in the manner of a snake attempting to aid the shedding of its skin. Rejecting all offers of help and attempts at restraint, the victim bloodlessly sloughs the skin, “scrolling it down the torso and limbs in the manner of a tantalizingly unrolled silk stocking” (Mudthumper, p. 1168). In the Vulture’s Knee outbreak the single victim was reported by the local doctor (who was dining with him at the time) as seeming “Startled and energetic, but not particularly pained.” This is perhaps merciful, since the victim subsequently dropped dead during the course of the next five minutes.

  History

  In the Vulture’s Knee case, Dr. Zebedias retained a shed skin for study. (A sad irony is lent to his analysis by the fact that the victim was a friend of his; a prominent entomologist who had, perhaps coincidentally, spent many years in the Orient.) The good doctor’s notes record a curious phenomenon over the next few weeks, in which the student may find fuel for future speculation. Regrettably, an unusually hot summer (which also gave rise to cases of Snoat River Fever) produced a swarm of giant locusts, which devoured all but a fragment of the notes. We have pieced together these fragments as best we can.

  July 9th: The tom edges of the skin are [beginning to] curl back together, rather like a sock knitting itself from within. I am at a loss to account for—

  July 12th: I have perceived a dark [mass] congealing in the lower left foot. At first I thought this to be some unwelcome fungal growth, generated in the sweltering summer heat, but the mass is hard to the touch and shiny, like the wing case of a common or garden grasshopper, and a deep crimson in color. I am reminded of a Chinese lacquer box.

  July 15th: The mass has grown to fill the lower left [leg as far as] the knee joint. It appears inert, [and resistant] to the edge of even the sharpest scalpel. The legs have become welded together, and both arms have become drawn behind the back and fused to the lumbar region. It resembles nothing so much as a large seed-pod, or chrysalis. I am—

  Zebedias records the progress of this strange material, noting on August 1 that “the mass has now reached the base of the throat. When looked at obliquely, something appears to be crawling within. I am certain, however, that this is merely a trick of the light.” However, hypotheses as to what may have occurred once the entire “shell” of the epidermis was filled will have to be postponed, as Dr. Zebedias’ notes end here abruptly.

  Cure

  It is clear that this curious illness requires considerable research before ascertaining any possibility of a cure. To this effect, the University of Guangzhou is reported to be assembling a field team to travel to the canton of Xao and undertake an examination of the locale, apparently with “particular emphasis upon the insect life of the district.”

  After so much time has elapsed, it is unlikely that any traces of the illness will remain, but it is to be hoped that the team will find success.

  Submitted by

  DR. LIZ WILLIAMS

  Endnote

  (1) It is possible that other cases appeared in the district; however, many records appear to have been lost during a plague of giant locusts, which occurred shortly after the outbreak of the disease and consumed everything within a three mile-radius.

  Cross References

  Chronic Zygotic Dermis Disorder; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Motile Snarcoma; Wuhan Flu

  INTERNALIZED TATTOOING DISEASE

  Country of Origin/First Known Case

  Because dissections and autopsies are relatively recent developments, we cannot say where or when Internalized Tattooing first took place, though the first recorded instance is related in Gould and Pyle’s Anomalies and Curiosities of Medicine. They in turn quote from Israel Spach’s gynecological studies published in 1557; specifically, a case in which a 22-year-old woman was dissected to reveal within her the calcified remains of a fetus situated anomalously in the fallopian tube. This fetus exhibited upon its forehead the highly detailed image of a dog approximating fornication with the leg of its apparently blind master.

  Symptoms

  There are no outward symptoms of this condition. Through death or surgery, patients are found to have elaborate artworks produced upon their internal organs through an unknown but doubtless psychosomatic process. These images do not adversely affect the health of the patients and are thus always encountered unexpectedly. They are as readily found on healthy organs as upon those failed organs that might have brought about the patient’s death.

  History

  Internalized Tattooing is not to be confused with the mysterious drumming heard inside the chest cavities of certain Maori warriors as described in Doctor Buckhead Mudthumper’s Encyclopedia of Forgotten Oriental Diseases, despite the word “tattoo” finding its origin in the Tahitian “tatu.” However, several Maori warriors have been diagnosed with the Internalized Tattooing Disease of which I speak, and there exists one case in which the patient exhibited both phenomena. Upon this patient’s death, doctors performed an autopsy to ascertain the cause of the code-like pattern of internal drumming with which he had been afflicted since childhood. Instead of an answer to that mystery, they found another: a tattoo of the Taj Mahal on his kidney. The kidney being dark, the illustration was rendered in a whitish-yellow pigment. We find that on lighter organs, however, the pigments will be of a darker shade. One can only conclude that the subconscious mind makes very deliberate decisions as to their aesthetic appearance, despite the fact that many of these fine works doubtless go forever undiscovered.

  As for the actual manner in which the artworks are formed, a number of theories exist, but most suggest that the pigments may be extracted from those pigments and dyes found in food stuffs. (That instances of Internalized Tattooing have increased proportionately to the use of artificial coloration of food certainly bolsters this theory.) The acids of the digestive process apparently interact with the ingested dyestuffs in a manner analogous with the interaction between tannic acid and dye to create a mordant as used to produce color for textile fiber. It has been suggested that a diseased or otherwise afflicted digestive system enables this chemical reaction to occur (while others put forth that the disease is not somatic in any sense but of psychological causation entirely).

  The style of the tattoos themselves varies, from those that mimic steel engravings to others that suggest woodcuts or pen and ink drawings, while occasionally cloudier and more subtle effects of pigmentation approach the appearance of paintings and even of photography. A female Ugandan exhibited upon her lung a photo much in the style of Ansel Adams, though it could not be directly linked to any existing piece of his work.

  Whatever the style, these artworks are always quite nicely done. Occasionally, a variety of colored pigments are utilized, to a most pleasing effect. The subject matter of these images is a point of great interest. At the time of Spach’s discovery of the tattoo of a man with a cane and a dog upon the calcified fetus, he suggested that this was an indication of the paternal origins of the illegitimate child (as the woman was not married), impressed upon it by its mother’s guilt-ridden mental state. The general op
inion today, however, is that there may be no relevance in the subject matter found in these illustrations; that they stem from the same region of the mind as do dreams. (While some hold to the idea that dreams have symbolic relevance, others subscribe to the belief that they are just random flotsam and jetsam of the vast and perhaps collective unconscious.) In any case, there is apparently a profound desire in the subconscious of the patient to express something through artistic means, with said impulse sublimated by the conscious mind.

  Yet why a Maori warrior who had never so much as seen a photo of the Taj Mahal would manifest this picture upon his kidney, and why, for instance, a woman in the Appalachians would render the words “Kill Me” over and over again the full length of her intestinal tract in ornate calligraphy, and why (in a recent case I myself witnessed) a Welsh miner would upon his heart subconsciously develop a caricature of Marlon Brando (as “Johnny” in The Wild One, 1953, directed by Stanley Kramer) in the distinctive style of A1 Hirschfeld cannot as yet be easily explained.

  Cures

  The only currently imaginable way to avoid these manifestations would be to encourage potential victims to consciously express their repressed impulses through a conventional artistic approach. However, where there is no apparent physical threat to these individuals, it would be advisable to concentrate instead on treating the condition of mental anxiety or subverted longing that might account for such a strong need for expression in the first place.