Complicit Read online

‘Yesterday evening.’

  ‘It looks pretty fresh. I tried to call you then but there was no reply.’

  ‘I was probably lying on my bed holding ice to my cheek,’ I said. It was only half a lie.

  ‘I thought we could go for a picnic,’ he said. ‘If you feel up to it, of course. It’s a lovely day.’ And he kissed me on my mouth, very gently so as not to hurt me. I felt his lips smiling slightly against mine and drew away.

  ‘Let’s go inside,’ I said.

  In the kitchen, I put the table between us. ‘Tea or coffee?’ I asked, playing for time.

  ‘Neither,’ he replied. There was the faintest frown on his face now, a tremor of anxiety passing through him.

  I filled the kettle and turned it on, my back to him so I wouldn’t have to see his face. ‘I’ve been thinking,’ I said.

  ‘That doesn’t sound good.’ He was trying to keep his voice unconcerned.

  ‘You and me,’ I said.

  ‘It’s been ages since I felt like this,’ he intervened, trying to cut off what he knew I was about to say. ‘You know that.’

  ‘I’ve done you wrong.’ I winced – the line sounded as if it was lifted from a corny country-and-western song, yet it was what I felt. I had done him wrong.

  ‘I closed down so I wouldn’t get hurt.’

  ‘I’m not ready,’ I said hopelessly.

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘It happened too fast, at a strange time in my own life.’

  ‘I don’t want to rush you.’

  ‘I think we should just be friends.’ I felt ashamed even as I was uttering the glib words.

  ‘What happened? I don’t understand.’

  I turned to him, made myself look him in the eye. ‘Nothing happened, Neal. I thought things over.’

  ‘I read it all wrong.’ He rubbed a hand over his face as if there were cobwebs on it. ‘I thought you felt the same as me.’

  ‘It was lovely, Neal, but I’m not someone you want to have a committed relationship with.’

  ‘But I do want to,’ he said. He wasn’t giving way. He wasn’t letting me off the hook.

  ‘It’s no good.’

  ‘Is there someone else?’

  ‘That’s not it.’

  Something in his expression had changed as he stared at me. ‘There is,’ he said. ‘And your face. It wasn’t an accident, was it? Someone hit you.’

  ‘That’s enough,’ I said. At last he had given me an excuse to get angry and kick him out and I seized it. ‘You should go now.’

  Neal walked round the table and stood a few inches from me. He lifted his hand and touched my bruised face. ‘You can’t get rid of me that easily, Bonnie.’

  ‘You need to go.’

  ‘It’s not over,’ he said.

  ‘I’m not just jerking you around.’

  ‘It can’t be over. I won’t let it be. I’ll wait for you to change your mind.’

  I felt a prickle of unease on my skin. ‘You didn’t hear what I said.’

  ‘I heard you. I just didn’t believe you.’

  Hayden arrived an hour later. I opened the door and pulled him inside. We didn’t speak. He pressed his lips to my bruise, then undid the buttons on my shirt. I knelt on the floor and untied his shoelaces. When I looked up at him, there was such hunger on his face that I almost cried out. We had sex standing against the wall just inside the door, both of us still dressed, and then we went into the bedroom. He took off my clothes very slowly and stared at me as though I were miraculous, touched me as though I were breakable. We lay together on my bed for hours, sometimes holding each other and sometimes simply gazing. I felt as though I were looking deep inside him, at a place people rarely got to see.

  When the light outside the window started to soften and then thicken, we got up and showered, and went out to a tapas bar a few minutes from the flat. We ordered potato croquettes, mild green chillies, broad beans with mint, slices of thick omelette and salty cheese, and washed them down with a jug of cheap red wine. I was ravenously greedy, eating with my fingers and swallowing the wine in loose gulps.

  We walked back to the flat, wrapped up in each other. He held me tight. I didn’t care what happened after. Nothing mattered any more. Only this.

  After

  ‘What I want to know is, where the fuck is Hayden?’ Amos was pacing about the room with his guitar. His face was red, with heat or anger I couldn’t tell. ‘It’s getting beyond a joke.’

  It was oppressively hot that Wednesday evening when we gathered for our rehearsal in my long-suffering friend’s house. He was there this time, but had retired to his bedroom. I had wanted to cancel but Joakim reminded me fiercely that it was only just over a fortnight until 12 September and the wedding. We were certainly a ragged little group, not at all ready to perform.

  ‘I’m sure he’ll turn up,’ I said. ‘He’s only a bit late.’

  Guy checked his watch again. ‘Nearly half an hour. Something’s up.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Sonia sounded very calm, genuinely interested in what he had to say.

  ‘Have you heard from him, Bonnie? Did he ever answer your message?’

  ‘No.’ That at least was true.

  ‘It’s not good enough.’

  ‘You know what he’s like,’ I said. ‘He’s probably gone off with his band.’

  ‘He’s not with his band.’ We turned to Joakim. ‘I went to one of their gigs a couple of days ago. He wasn’t there. They had a crap evening, I can tell you,’ he added with relish. ‘Without Hayden, they’re nothing.’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re not more worried.’ This was Sonia again. I stared at her with incredulity. ‘I mean, how long’s it been?’

  ‘Only a week,’ I said. Then, through the fog of my thoughts, I grasped what she was doing: my normal, natural reaction should be anxiety. ‘Actually, maybe that’s quite a long time,’ I added.

  ‘It certainly is, for people who take their responsibilities seriously!’ Amos’s voice rose. Sonia laid a hand on his shoulder, and I could see how she soothed him. The tension left him and he smiled gratefully at her, and she smiled back, and I thought: They’re having a love affair, or if they aren’t they will be soon. More than that, they’d be good for each other – or, at least, Sonia would be good for Amos, calming his intemperate nature, not minding his irritability. She’d look after him, because that was what she was good at and what she took pleasure in doing. I hadn’t been like that with Amos, and with Hayden there had been nothing rational or patient about us. We’d been heading for a wall together. But still: my ex-partner, the man I had thought I would maybe live with for ever – or, at least, as near to for ever as someone like me could imagine – and my closest friend. Closer than ever now. My accomplice, bound to me by guilt and secrecy. The thought shot through me: Has she told him? As if she sensed my concern, Sonia turned her head and gave me a quick, private smile.

  ‘Wherever Hayden’s got to, we should carry on as if he isn’t coming back,’ I said. ‘We can do it without him. Joakim can play guitar. The rest of us can fill in the gaps.’

  ‘No,’ said Joakim. He was almost frantic, his thin face flushed with excitement. ‘We can’t just go on without him as if it’s no big deal.’

  ‘Jo…’ began Guy, as if he were a small child, and Joakim swung round.

  ‘You’re pleased, aren’t you? He showed you up and he made me question my life in a way you didn’t like. You don’t want him to come back, do you?’

  ‘Don’t be childish.’ But Guy was clearly aghast, and a horribly awkward silence filled the room.

  ‘Let’s take the second song,’ I said brightly.

  ‘Joakim’s right, we should probably do something,’ Guy said, making an obvious effort to stay calm.

  ‘What do you think?’ Sonia turned to Neal, who was hunched on a chair with a hand over his face as if he were nursing toothache.

  ‘Like Bonnie said, we should assume he’s not coming back and get on without him
.’

  ‘Crap,’ said Joakim. ‘Fucking crap.’

  ‘Joakim!’

  ‘He’ll just have gone off somewhere,’ continued Neal. His voice was low and dull and we had to strain to hear what he was saying. ‘That’s who he is. He picks people up and drops them, uses them and uses them up. Let’s get this over with so we can put it all behind us. Hayden’s gone, scarpered. Right?’

  ‘You’re not in a very jolly mood,’ said Amos, pugnaciously. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Second song, you say, Bonnie?’ asked Sonia.

  ‘We should check his flat,’ said Joakim.

  ‘He’s right,’ said Sonia.

  ‘I agree,’ I made myself say, against all my instincts. ‘Something might have happened.’

  ‘Where is it, though? I thought he was just staying on friends’ floors at the moment.’

  ‘Bonnie knows,’ said Amos, helpfully. ‘It’s Liza’s flat and Bonnie arranged it. Hayden was staying there while Liza’s travelling – right, Bonnie?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I tried ringing him there as well. There was no answer.’

  ‘We’ll just go and have a look, then,’ said Joakim. He wasn’t going to give up. ‘What’s the address?’

  ‘Now?’

  ‘When else?’

  ‘We don’t have a key,’ Sonia objected. ‘We can’t just break in.’

  ‘No, certainly not,’ I agreed. I had the key on my key-ring, which was in my bag, a few feet from me. I almost thought it would start flashing some message into the room.

  ‘Why can’t we?’ said Joakim. ‘He might be ill.’

  ‘Tell you what.’ Guy was talking to his son, trying to make amends for something. ‘Let’s do this sensibly.’ He turned to me. ‘Liza gave you a key, right?’

  ‘Which I gave to Hayden.’

  ‘Did she say anything about leaving a spare with a neighbour or anything?’

  ‘Um, I’m not sure.’

  ‘I’ll bet she did,’ said Joakim.

  ‘Why don’t we contact this Liza and ask her if anyone has a spare key? Just tell her Hayden’s away and we need to water the plants.’

  ‘Contact her?’ I said stupidly.

  ‘Text her,’ said Joakim.

  ‘She’s on the other side of the world. I don’t want her to be worried about her flat and lost keys.’

  ‘What are we going to do, then?’

  I took a deep breath and said what I would have said if I hadn’t been the woman who had dragged Hayden’s body out of the flat in a rug. ‘We should go round there and check things are OK.’

  ‘Right!’ Joakim was on his feet and almost heading for the door.

  ‘After the rehearsal, Joakim,’ I said, and he subsided.

  ‘Now let’s practise. Second song.’

  Sonia had a lovely voice. It had never been trained and it wasn’t perfect by any means but it was strong, slightly husky, and had a plangent tone that suited the music. Also, she had a kind of charisma, the same quality that kept thirty fifteen-year-olds bent over chemistry formulae. Now she sang about her sweetheart, while Neal barely held the tune, Joakim played tempestuously, and Guy lost the beat. She managed to hold the group together as if all she was thinking about was the music.

  ‘Great,’ I said, at the end. ‘That was the best yet.’

  ‘Shall we go, then?’ said Joakim, putting away his violin, and snapping the clasps of the case.

  ‘OK.’ I tried to sound unconcerned. ‘No time like the present.’

  Before

  ‘I’ve spoken to Liza, and you can stay here for the next couple of weeks as long as you water her plants,’ I said to Hayden.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘I mean, really water them. Every day. Keep them alive. She’s very attached to them. They’re like her surrogate children.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘And don’t make a terrible mess.’

  ‘You sound like someone’s mother.’

  ‘Only because you’re like a child.’

  ‘Am I?’

  ‘Yes. Here’s the key.’ He pocketed it. ‘She’s left a spare with the man upstairs.’

  ‘Why couldn’t he have watered the plants?’

  ‘Because she doesn’t trust him to. Don’t you want to stay here?’

  ‘Of course I do. It’s great. I’ll water the plants and vacuum the floor, and I’ll buy her a thank-you present before I leave.’

  After

  ‘Odd little road,’ said Guy, as we turned into the lane leading to Liza’s flat. ‘It feels like something forgotten about. They could build some flats here.’

  ‘That’s what Liza’s scared of,’ I said. ‘There are only a couple of houses in it, and this garage.’ It was deserted, its shutters closed and its iron sign flapping at the hinges. It was nearly nine o’clock and the light was softening, giving even the scrubland a ghostly air and making the rather dingy little lane almost picturesque. ‘It’s the one at the end that backs onto the railway line.’

  I could scarcely believe that I was standing at the front door once more. I pressed the bell and waited.

  ‘He’s obviously not going to answer,’ said Joakim. ‘Ring the other bell.’

  I pressed it reluctantly, praying that no one would answer.

  ‘I don’t think anyone’s here,’ I said, after a few seconds.

  ‘Hang on.’ Joakim pressed the bell several times, leaning on it as if that would make the sound louder. ‘I think I can hear someone.’

  Sure enough, footsteps were coming rapidly towards the door.

  The man who opened it was young and dark-skinned, with huge glasses and a fringe. I had seen him before, but he didn’t seem to remember me. ‘Hello,’ I said. ‘Sorry to trouble you.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m a friend of Liza’s.’

  ‘Liza’s away.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Have you got a key to her flat?’ Joakim broke in eagerly.

  The young man transferred his gaze from me to him. ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘We urgently need to get into the flat. Have you got a key?’

  ‘If I had a key, why should I let you in?’

  ‘Have you?’

  ‘My son isn’t explaining himself very well,’ said Guy. ‘A friend of ours has been staying in the flat and we’re worried about him. We want to check that he’s all right.’

  ‘A friend?’

  ‘Hayden,’ said Joakim. ‘Hayden Booth. He might be ill. He might need our help. He’s not answering the phone or coming to rehearsals. You have to let us in.’

  ‘Do you have the key?’ asked Guy.

  ‘How do I know you’re who you say you are?’

  ‘My name is Guy Siegel,’ said Guy, in a ridiculously pompous tone. ‘I’m a solicitor.’

  ‘Solicitor? What’s he done, this friend of yours?’

  ‘No, that just happens to be my job. We simply want to make sure everything’s OK.’

  ‘Bonnie is Liza’s friend,’ said Joakim.

  ‘Oh, are you Bonnie? Why didn’t you say?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘You’re the one Liza left to water her plants. She told me about you. So you knew I’d got the key in the first place.’

  ‘Did I?’

  ‘She said she’d told you.’

  ‘Oh. Well. I must have forgotten.’

  ‘Can we have the key, then?’ Joakim was practically hopping from foot to foot, as if he thought Hayden needed to be rescued at once.

  ‘Sure. Wait a minute.’ He ran up the stairs and reappeared almost immediately. ‘Here you are. Just pop it back when you’re done.’

  But Joakim hadn’t finished. ‘Have you see Hayden recently?’

  ‘I dunno. Has he gone? He was definitely here a few days ago. I think his girlfriend was staying for a bit.’

  ‘I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. Did you, Bonnie?’

  ‘Let’s go and take a look,’ I said, turning towards Liza’s flat entrance so they wouldn’t se
e my cheeks burning.

  ‘When was that exactly?’ asked Joakim, still not moving.

  ‘Let’s think. Five days ago? A week? More? I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention.’ A worried expression crossed his face.

  ‘It’s fine. Thanks for your help,’ I said. ‘Come on, you two.’

  I put the key into the lock, pushed open the door and stepped inside. For a moment, like the last time, I half expected Hayden’s rotting body to be lying on the floor, blood puddling around his head and his arm outflung, his fingers curled. The burning in my chest made breathing painful.

  ‘Hello,’ called Guy, stepping into the room after me. ‘Hello? Hayden? Are you here?’

  ‘Hayden,’ echoed Joakim. ‘Hello.’

  I couldn’t make myself shout his name. After all I’d done, it would only have been a small moment of hypocrisy but it wasn’t possible. I just waited, or pretended to wait.

  ‘No one’s here,’ I said.

  ‘Let’s have a look around, then,’ Guy said.

  ‘Look for what?’ I said, and then, at the very moment I was saying the words, I really did see something.

  ‘Maybe there’s a clue to show where he’s gone so we can call him up and shout at him.’

  ‘What?’ I said stupidly. I hadn’t been able to pay any attention to what he was saying because there, quite casually draped over the back of the chair by the wall, was my light grey cotton jacket. I was overwhelmed by a sort of madness. This was what madness must be like, when there seems to be no fit, no proper cause and effect, between the inner and the outer world. I could make no sense of what was happening. Possessions of mine from this flat had been delivered to me in a package and now this piece of clothing was here to incriminate me. Who was doing this to me? What was the point?

  It took me a few more long seconds to remember that I was the person who had left the jacket there. I made myself concentrate and I could clearly remember taking it off before I helped Sonia clear up. And then, if it’s possible to remember an absence, I could now remember not putting on the jacket when we left – or, rather, I couldn’t remember putting it on, and I definitely hadn’t been wearing it for the rest of that night. Yet I had returned to the flat since that awful evening and still failed to see it. Was I asking to be caught?