Spud Read online

  We scuttled into the station wagon looking like a small band of thieves who prey on the elderly and then raced down the driveway. (Mom reckons when they fought last Thursday Wombat threw a dinner plate at Mom’s car as she was driving out of the driveway.) I scanned the windows for danger but all I could see was a pale frightened face at the study window. I didn’t tell Mom but I think Wombat was crying.

  WEEKEND SCORECARD

  FATTY Went to rugby with Spud and has a new woollen jersey.

  MAD DOG Says he had the worst weekend ever. He had to go to Johannesburg to visit his granny. He complained that there was nothing to shoot except Indian mynahs, go-away birds and old people walking down the street.

  RAMBO Went to Cape Town with his dad and stepmother. He reckons he nearly got involved in a threesome but then one of the girls chickened out. (Rambo didn’t mention if the near threesome nearly involved his stepmother or if she was the one that chickened out.)

  BOGGO Travelled to the Drakensberg with Ali and her family. He says it all went downhill after he beat Ali’s dad at a game of snooker. Then Ali accused him of being ‘gross’ after Boggo stupidly showed her some of his porn collection. By the end of the weekend the only person talking to Boggo was Ali’s granny who has no teeth and thinks Jan Smuts is still running the country.

  ROGER The usual weekend in the underpants drawer.

  VERN Jabbered away about his birthday party and how he has now turned sixteen years old. According to the school list Vern’s birthday is on 18 December. Just in case, we threw him in the fountain.

  SPUD Saw the Mermaid, stopped his house being sold and had a fight with Wombat.

  SIMON (Whose wounded eye now looks blood red and demonic.) Spent the whole weekend with his inbred cousins from the Eastern Cape.

  In the middle of our post lights out discussions we heard the sound of soft padding feet through our dormitory. Mad Dog pulled out his knife and apprehended the late night lurker as he reached the door. It was Runt.

  Vern shone his torch in Runt’s eyes and shouted, ‘Stop, thief!’ Poor Runt looked like a frightened rabbit caught in headlights and stammered out an apology and said he was on his way to the bogs. Vern shone his torch on Runt’s balls and accused him of bad form in the bogs and surrounds. Then Rambo accused Runt of trying to bumrush me under the cover of darkness. Runt looked at me for help but there was no way I was getting involved. Boggo then told the first year that he had made passionate love to Runt’s mother on Saturday night and that she smelled even worse than she looked. Runt looked Boggo straight in the eyes and said, ‘My mother’s dead.’ He then walked out the dormitory and closed the door. Rambo turned to a shocked looking Boggo and said, ‘Nice one, Boggo. You shagged Runt’s old lady to death.’

  Tuesday 4th June

  Rambo had a costume fitting in Julian’s room to try out the bright blue baboon balls. Rambo said the baboon gonads are gigantic and look suspiciously like two beach balls sewn into a blue velvet sack. The fitting lasted over an hour.

  Wednesday 5th June

  Work is piling up. Exams are two and a half weeks away and I also have to enter an essay for the Alan Paton creative writing competition. It’s no coincidence that I’ve just finished Cry, The Beloved Country – I sense this is my moment to shine. Only problem is that I’m competing with thousands of kids from all over the province.

  We had a bass fishing lecture at the dam during Adventure Club. Nobody caught anything but Vern had to be taken to Howick because a treble hook went through his finger and he needed a tetanus shot. Vern seemed quite thrilled about going to the doctor and saluted us before getting into Sparerib’s car, but the heavily bandaged middle finger on his left hand made it look like he was pulling a zap sign at us instead.

  Friday 7th June

  MAD HOUSE GOODIES

  MAD DOG A camouflage tarpaulin. (For the roof – also waterproof)

  BOGGO A gigantic poster of Samantha Fox with gold stars on her nipples

  FATTY A Bob Marley flag that says, ‘None but ourselves can free our minds.’

  VERN A pink toilet roll

  ROGER A mug with Hello Kitty written on it

  SIMON A small Persian carpet

  SPUD Gilbert the Gnome

  RAMBO 3 bottles of Mellowwood brandy

  Boggo was furious with Rambo for bringing booze to school. Rambo told him to keep his panties on and said he had already stashed it at the Mad House. Mad Dog and Rambo offered to take the rest of the goodies along to the Mad House after their rugby match tomorrow while all the prefects and teachers would be watching the second fifteen play Waterfall.

  21:00 Phoned home to wish Dad a happy birthday but the phone just rang.

  Saturday 8th June

  UNDER 15C 45 WATERFALL 0

  Vern scored three tries and I kicked 17 points (seven conversions and a penalty). The opposition wing was clearly terrified of Vern and his deranged screaming and shouting, and spent most of the match running alongside Vern without ever tackling him. I must admit Rain Man did look pretty disturbing, screaming like someone who was being murdered while charging around with his bandaged middle finger in the air. In fact I don’t blame their fullback for faking an injury at half time. Vern could have scored five tries but he forgot to dot the ball down and ran over the dead ball line twice.

  The firsts only beat Waterfall by six points. Considering half their school is girls this doesn’t give me much hope for Kings College next weekend.

  Gilbert the Gnome has been safely delivered to the Mad House.

  Sunday 9th June

  Still no sign of the Noah’s Ark script. Still no sign of any rehearsal notices. Still no sign of panic from anyone else with just over three weeks to go.

  The Mad House is looking brilliant. The proud owner has done more improvements on it this week. The main section of the tree house is smaller than it used to be but Mad Dog said the smaller size made it more hidden from the ground. It was a bit of a squeeze when we were all up there so Rambo told Vern and me to piss off. We joined Fatty at the foot of the tree. (He said he couldn’t make it up there today.) The three of us headed towards the dam feeling embarrassed, leaving the clink of brandy bottle on glass behind us.

  Monday 10th June

  Phoned Dad again to wish him happy birthday. He thanked me for the new pair of slacks. I tried my best to make out that I’d bought them myself. He said nobody had made an offer on the house but Mom’s keeping it on the market until we go overseas. Dad said he pruned the roses three months early so that the place looked as ugly as sin. He reckons he’d rather live in New Zealand than England and said at least New Zealand have a rugby team worth supporting. I nearly told Dad about the Mad House but was able to control myself and told him I was entering the Alan Paton writing competition instead. Dad said Paton was a commie and then handed the phone over to Mom.

  Pike’s script is ridiculous! Noah has a vision after drinking too much Coke one night and starts building a boat. He has an argument with his family and then rounds up some random animals and waits until the rain starts falling. It seems like most of the dialogue is written to piss off the teachers. At one stage the narrator says, ‘Noah shot a Viking with a Glock and then cooked some crispo spareribs with the bishop who was actually a mongrel.’ Anderson thought it was hilarious and fell about with laughter, calling the play a classic. I don’t have a single line. In fact the Dove of Peace isn’t even mentioned in the script! After rehearsals I plucked up the courage and asked Pike why I didn’t have any lines. Pike looked at me smugly and replied, ‘Because you’re an awful actor and doves don’t speak, you fucking retard!’ I could feel myself going red and there was a lump in my throat, but I stood my ground and asked him why he had cast me in the play if I was such a crap actor. Pike spread his arms out and said, ‘So that I can show the world how bad you are.’ He told me not to quit my day job before trying to stab me with the sharp end of a coat hanger. Why did I ever audition for this in the first place? My entire acting career cou
ld be destroyed by Pike.

  Mental Note: Never get on the wrong side of playwrights.

  Tuesday 11th June

  Julian congratulated me in the showers because he said my willy had doubled in size in just over a week. I had to leave the showers quite speedily because everyone started staring at my penis and arguing with Julian about whether it had grown or if it was actually getting smaller.

  Mike Talisbury broke his arm at rugby practice. (He’s the under 15B flyhalf.) I think I might try my luck with Sister Collins at the san because there’s no way in hell I’ll be playing against the Kings College under 15Bs! I’ll be murdered.

  Wednesday 12th June

  Kings College rugby fever has already kicked in and Boggo’s opened up a tote. He’s offering 15 to 1 on our first team winning. Nobody was interested in a bet except for the Normal Seven who were forced to bet five rand each as a show of school spirit. One of the Darryls gave me a note at lunchtime. It said:

  Milton the Poet

  Literary Lunch

  Friday 21st June

  Bring your wits and first draft Alan Paton essay

  Underneath it said

  The Governor

  Thursday 13th June

  I’ve been called up to the under 15B side for a practice match against the under 15As.

  Spud Milton 1976-1991

  Killed on active duty

  RIP

  14:30 The practice match against the under 15As started ominously when Mad Dog thumped me on the back and said, ‘Spuddy, no hard feelings but it’s my job to try and kill the opposition flyhalf.’ (Rumour has it that it was Mad Dog who broke Mike Talisbury’s arm on Tuesday with a bone-crushing late tackle.) I gulped and prayed to God to send a freak lightning storm. He didn’t. Instead He sent the ball from the kickoff straight into my hands, closely followed by what felt like a missile. The air shot out of my lungs and then I was staring up at a number of faces. I was pulled to my feet and everyone clapped as I limped back to my mark. But then I heard Rambo saying, ‘Nice one, Mad Dog. Now it’s my turn.’ I tried to look calm but my insides felt like they were about to burst out of my mouth.

  The kickoff sailed straight into the hands of the under 15B scrumhalf (who seems to be called Saltycocks by everyone, including the coach). Saltycocks hurled the ball to me with a panicked look on his face. I decided to get rid of the ball before I was smashed up again and I hoofed it straight into touch. Suddenly I heard an explosion and I was on my back staring at the clouds again. Then there was a shrill blast of the whistle.

  Mr Andrews penalised Rambo for a late tackle. I staggered to my feet and said I was fine and then fell over again. Mr Andrews sent me back to the under 15C practice where Mongrel made me do twenty press-ups for being late.

  Mental Note: Next winter take up tennis.

  Saturday 15th June

  KINGS COLLEGE (away game)

  Bad news – the under 15Cs lost 22-16 Good news – we came closest to beating Kings College out of any team in the entire school. (The first team got pounded 36-3.)

  Mongrel gave us our first compliment of the season when he said: ‘You rooinekke did not at least embarrass me today.’ I admit it wasn’t much of a compliment nor was his use of grammar up to scratch, but it’s better than being called traitors and monkey naaiers.

  Most of the matrics headed off for weekend leave. For once I wasn’t jealous because the Saturday night movie was a cracker. In fact seven of the Crazy Eight (Roger fell asleep during the opening credits) voted it the greatest movie ever. Not only that, Boggo, Simon, Fatty and myself voted it the most disturbing film ever seen. It was called Silence of the Lambs. Anthony Hopkins is brilliant as the genius cannibal, Hannibal Lecter. It was so disturbing that one of the Darryls asked Julian if he could go to bed early because he was so terrified. Vern plucked a massive hole in the side of one of the common room couches and kept muttering and shaking his head. There was also a nasty scene when the serial killer (Buffalo Bill) starts dancing in the nude in his dungeon hideaway. Buffalo Bill turns around to face the camera and between his legs is nothing. He has no lunch box! There was a massive uproar in the common room. Devries stood up and called Buffalo Bill a transvestite because he had no balls. A third year called Marco told Devries he was a dickhead and that no balls means the guy’s a transsexual. Julian then shut them all up by saying that he wasn’t a transvestite or a transsexual because all Buffalo Bill had done was squeeze his lunch box between his thighs. Pike said that was impossible, so Julian pulled down his pants and proved it. Thankfully it was immediately agreed that Julian was right and we were able to get back to the movie.

  Silence of the Lambs movie rating 9 (excellent)

  After lights out Pike crept into the first years’ dorm and started tormenting two of the Darryls. He was doing a bad Hannibal Lecter impersonation and trying to get at least one of them to start crying. Rambo snuck up to the door and said in a deep voice, ‘Is Anthony Hopkins here tonight?’ There was dead silence from the first years’ dorm. Rambo sniggered and then said, ‘I thought not.’

  I howled with laughter! It was splendid to see Pike getting some of his own medicine after abusing my acting ability at rehearsals. But Pike, as always, was not amused. He charged into our dorm and crashed into Vern who must have been creeping around in the dark near the door. Vern flew into a locker and then collapsed on the floor groaning in agony. Pike then leapt onto Boggo’s bed and started laying into Boggo. Mad Dog tore past me and launched himself at Pike who seemed to be jumping on Boggo’s stomach. Eventually we all piled on and Pike took a serious hammering.

  Then Spike dived into the scrum of bodies to try and help his brother. Unfortunately for Spike, Fatty thumped him on the head with one of his size twelve rugby boots and then hurled him back through the dorm and into the first year dorm. While we all held Pike down, Mad Dog pulled off his pants and jocks. Rambo rubbed Deep Heat all over Vern’s towel and then spread it all over Pike’s balls. Pike left screaming.

  Sunday 16th June

  Tried to sleep in but failed dismally. I decided to have a nice long shower before all the matrics woke up and used up the hot water. Unfortunately, Runt followed me down and the two of us showered in silence. I knew he was looking at me but I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be very involved with my shower. Then out of the blue he said, ‘I saw you in Oliver last year.’ I nodded and he nodded. He didn’t say anything else which probably means he thinks I was crap.

  Vern switched on the shower next to me and stared at Runt’s balls. After about ten seconds of staring he looked at the roof and blew his nose loudly on his hand. Runt stared at Vern in complete amazement. Then they both started staring at me. I decided that things were getting a bit freaky so I switched off my shower. Runt switched his off immediately and followed me. Vern, who was covered in soap, also switched off his shower and marched towards the second year drying area. I could see Runt watching me drying myself out of the corner of his eye. Vern followed me up the stairs making unhealthy breathing noises with his back and shoulders still covered in soap.

  Mental Note: Wherever possible try and avoid showering with weirdos.

  Monday 17th June

  Boggo was in a foul mood at breakfast. Sparerib has banned us from watching Fatty’s hotdog eating competition at the Royal Show at the weekend. He doesn’t seem to be very happy about Fatty stuffing his face in front of hundreds of people. Sparerib’s popularity is at an all time low.

  Sparerib called me into his office and asked me how things were going. I told him I was working like a slave. He looked at me for ages with his wonky eye and then asked me if there was anything I should tell him. I shook my head. There was another horrible pause before he asked, ‘You still keep a diary?’ I nodded and he nodded back. I sat staring at his desk with my toes cringing in my shoes. Eventually he said, ‘My better half would like a chat. She’s in her office.’ Great. From Sparerib to Eve.

  REASONS WHY EVE SHOULD NOT BE THE SCHOOL COUNSELLOR

&n
bsp; 1 She shagged Rambo last year

  2 She’s mad (due to the above)

  3 She married Sparerib

  4 She’s a hippy

  5 She’s a communist (according to Dad)

  In fact I think she’s the one who needs a counsellor!

  Eve sat me down in her office and asked me questions. She kept trying to talk about Gecko and clearly I wasn’t saying the right things back because she told me I was repressing my grief. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it anymore so she gave me a fake smile and said her door was always open. (Rambo told us that last year!)

  I get the feeling Sparerib and Eve both think I’m weird. Nobody else has been taken in for a psychological examination.

  Wednesday 19th June

  Boggo posted this notice on all the house noticeboards:

  Watch Fatty eat 15 hotdogs in one sitting! Final dress rehearsal before the Royal Show finals on Sunday.

  CRAZY8 Classroom

  R2 Entrance fee

  Friday 21st June 21:00

  21:00 NOAH’S ARK IS SINKING!!!

  I’m feeling a little grim that my second appearance on the stage (after last year’s triumph in Oliver) is going to be as a non-speaking peace pigeon in a very bad house play.

  As the prompt you are meant to read the actor his line, but Vern seems convinced that he has to perform the line as well. Eventually Anderson, Emberton and Pike were deliberately fluffing their lines just so they could watch Vern perform their own lines back at them. Julian has quit as the designer. He called Noah’s Ark a ‘fiasco’, and said he was washing his hands of it.

  Rambo reckons all the Crazy Eights should pull out of the play as a protest. Boggo jumped up hopefully and asked, ‘A protest of what?’ Rambo looked sour and said, ‘A protest about looking a doos in front of the whole school in two weeks’ time!’ Everyone nodded but no protest happened.