When Love Calls Read online

  “Yes, we wanted to make sure everything transitions smoothly,” Amber chimed as she nodded incessantly. More lies.

  “Come on in your office so we can go through all of this stuff together. You know we have your back,” Angie stated. Now that’s true. I sighed, unlocked the door and lead the caravan into my office. Amber and Feliz sat in the empty office chairs and Angie came and stood behind me as I logged onto my computer.

  “Umm, can I help you with something,” I asked looking up at Angie.

  “Oh no, I was just waiting.” Angie shifted over a few paces so that she was now on the side of the desk, but still within viewing distance of both my computer and my desk calendar.

  “Ok, so here is a list of the patients and the doctors to whom I’ve assigned them. This won’t be a surprise to any of them as I emailed them last night and I contacted HR this morning to let them know about my arrangements and my needed time off.”

  “So,” Feliz interjected, “did you have to get a letter from your doctor?” I watched them all lean forward toward me, awaiting my response.

  “No.” I continued. “I’ve also made a list of the new schedule for rounds for each physician. None of my added patients should conflict with their existing ones and at least three of them are scheduled to discharge soon provided there are no unexpected complications.”

  “So,” this time it was Amber who interrupted, “is this an academic leave of absence or FMLA?”

  I broke away from looking at the computer and gave them my full attention. “Ok, look, I’m taking a little time off because I need to sort through some things in my life that require more than just a long weekend or a week’s vacation. I have to figure a number of things out about me and what my next steps will be in my life. None of you can help me with that. I’m not having a nervous breakdown, I am not withdrawing from human contact, I’m just taking some time off. However, if any of you would care to join me from time-to-time for some girl talk, lunch, dinner, a movie or whatever, I’ll be more than happy to engage. As far as this aspect of my life goes, I will not be discussing anything with anyone until I am good and ready. Got it?” I scanned the looks on my friends’ faces. They ranged from attitude to shock to genuine hurt.

  “Well, excuse us for caring,” Angie said dismissing my dramatics. “You seem very set on how all of this is gonna happen so you go ahead and do what you need to do. I will definitely still expect you to be around for my birthday next month so don’t forget AND I will still be expecting a gift so don’t forget that either!” She bent down and hugged my neck and I gave her a reassuring squeeze.

  “You know I wouldn’t miss it. I will still be here in the office until Wednesday afternoon, so can we save all of this sappy bullshit until then?” That made them all laugh and broke the somber mood. I knew they wanted to ask me a million more questions but were respecting my wishes. “I suppose we should all get to work now. Thanks for caring and for checking up on me. I love you for that.” I stood and they followed my lead as I strode into the hall and we each went our separate ways.

  The day flew by and although my colleagues were less than pleased with the scheduling and patient changes, they never said a word to me about it and made all the necessary adjustments. I amused myself with the thought of what reasons people had come up with for my sudden request for leave. Sideward glances had been coming my way all day and I’d walked up on plenty of hushed conversations that conveniently ended as soon as I approached. They probably think I have a terminal illness or a pending malpractice suit. Typically, those were the only real reasons surgeons ever took an extended leave. If there was a death in our family, we immersed ourselves in our work to distract from any pangs of grief. No general illness called for extended leave, so I knew they’d ruled that out, as well. For a moment, I entertained the idea of spreading my own rumor about where I was going and why just to see how far it would get and how fast. Like there isn’t enough drama in the E.R. already for them to worry about. I smiled to myself. I decided to have a little fun as I approached yet another cluster of whisperers. I shouted, “Good afternoon” as I walked by, then watched as they scattered like roaches in the light. I erupted in laughter and headed toward my office. The blinking light on my desk phone caught my eye as I sat behind my desk. Instinctively I pulled out my pager and cell to be sure I hadn’t missed any work related calls. I was surprised to find my iPhone showed two missed calls, as well. Both were from Josh’s number. I dialed my voicemail and listened to the message:

  Erin, it’s Josh. I don’t really know what to say after the other day. I have kind of been in a weird place since that night. I can’t seem to focus and I can’t stop thinking about the nightmare that was my life. At least it was before you came into it. I feel like we came together for you to help me cope with my baggage and for me to help you cope with yours. I called Dr. Stevenson’s office and scheduled an appointment to speak with someone there. I want to be free to move into the next chapter of my life with you. I know that together we can get through all of this and both come out better for it. Things have been so strained between us. You need more from me and I plan to give it to you. Trust in the fact that I love you and believe that I won’t try coming back again until its right. It wasn’t fair for me to try and establish our relationship knowing I wasn’t completely free from the demons in my past. I still want to spend time with you, so I’ll be around whenever you want or need me. I hope to hear from you soon. I love you.

  I hit delete and sat there confused. What was that? I wasn’t sure what had just happened. Had he broken up with me? Were we giving each other space? Were we going to try it as friends? What? I got up and closed my office door, grabbed the cell and dialed Josh’s number. It went straight to voicemail. I glanced at the clock and realized he was still teaching his classes. I’ll try him later, after work. I said to myself as I slipped the phone back into my lab coat pocket. I was hopeful that we could clear the air on everything. If he wanted to take a break anyway, it seemed best that he know what happened in Vegas so he could truly decide whether he still wanted to try to work through the situation toward a relationship.

  The irony of my present situation was almost laughable. Just a few days ago I’d been thinking of breaking things off with Josh and now it seemed he might be breaking up with me. I tried to shake off my typical feeling of resentment at the idea of being rejected. When did I become an egomaniac? Am I seriously brooding over the fact that I may not be the one to break up first? If anyone else came to me with this story, I’d call them childish. Get over yourself Erin Porter! I made a mental note to add “become less selfish” to my personal goal list.

  I’d had enough of being at the hospital and pretending to care about what work needed to be done. I had already reassigned all of my cases and the only thing left for me to do was attend a meeting about some system updates that I wouldn’t be around to use anyway. I started clearing off my desk and changed the password on my computer after forwarding all my personal documents to my home email. I glanced at the clock on the monitor. Two forty-five seems like as good a time as any to chuck up the deuces. Hell, I’m not coming back for the rest of the week, let alone finishing out this day. My mind was racing and it was just to exhausting to pretend to ignore everything I had going on.

  I flipped off the light switch, closed and locked my office door and wiped my name from the dry-erase board in the hall. I stopped by my supervisor’s office on my way out. “I’ve decided to leave a bit earlier than I initially planned. There’s nothing left for me to do here so I’m gonna start my leave effective immediately.”

  The chief gave me an inquisitive look, then a furrowed brow and finally a resigned smile and said, “Alright. Take care and get some rest if you can.” She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze. “You come by and see us at least once so we know you’re coming back, okay?”

  “I’ll try. Who knows? I may be out of the country or something exciting like that!” I couldn’t resist leaving a li
ttle tidbit for the staff to buzz about. I made my way down the hall and out to the parking lot where I noticed something stuck behind my wiper blade. My friends knew me too well. I plucked the card from the windshield. When I opened the card, I found only two words, Bon Voyage!

  I was shocked when I got home and found nearly all traces of Josh were gone. Apparently at some point during the day he’d come over, gotten his things and left the key on the table by the door. I pulled my iPhone from my pocket and dialed his number. If he’s going to break up with me, he’ll have to tell me himself.

  “Hello Erin,” Josh said flatly.

  “Hey Josh! What’s with moving all of your stuff out? I didn’t really understand the message you left me at work. Could you clarify?”

  “You know Erin, I’ve been through a lot of dark shit and I feel like I’ve still managed to turn out to be a halfway decent human being. I busted my ass trying to give you the caring I thought you wanted; maybe even needed, but you were too wrapped up in yourself to see it. I fell in love with you and I thought we were in a good place. I should have known better. You’re so used to being used that you don’t know how to be loved.” I felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop. Who the hell is he talking to and what has gotten into him?

  “What are you talking about Josh? You’re still not being clear,” I said with frost framing each word.

  “Well, let me see if I can say this clearly,” Josh began. “I did come over there today to get some of my things because, like I said on the message, I didn’t want to come back until I could make things right for you! I was in the closet making sure I had gotten everything I needed and I found a black bandana on that shelf where you think you’ve been hiding your little toys. It didn’t strike me strange at first until I flashed back to that night at the auction and the musician I’d seen wearing it. The same musician I found you awkwardly talking to outside the bathroom. That night I thought he might have been hitting on you, but when I saw the bandana it all became clear.” I felt my chest tighten and my stomach drop. This wasn’t the way the conversation was supposed to happen. I’d never planned to hurt Josh. He was right when he said he’d been nothing but kind to me. I knew I had hurt him deeply because he’d never spoken to me with such malice before.

  “Josh, I won’t ask you to let me explain because it won’t change anything. All I can do is apologize.” Josh cut in.

  “No, I think an explanation is required here and deserved! Go ahead, explain yourself!”

  I tried to find the right words before I began. “Please know that I never set out to hurt you or cheat on you. In fact, he was someone I met around the same time I met you and when we saw him at the auction, nothing had happened since you and I had gotten together. I saw him unexpectedly in Vegas and things got out of hand. I was planning to tell you everything, so that we could evaluate our relationship, but when I came home everything went differently than I expected and there hasn’t really been a good time to talk since then. I really am sorry. I swear I was going to tell you when the time was right. I don’t know what else to say… Are you still there?”

  The phone was silent for what felt like forever before Josh said, “So you cheated on me?” His voice was barely audible. “A part of me had really hoped he was just an ex you may have still had feelings for, but you’ve confirmed what the other part of me suspected. You know, you may never find whatever it is you’re looking for because you don’t value anyone other than your fucking self! You like to dictate how everything is going to go in your life, but you couldn’t seem to dictate the truth out of your mouth! I suppose if I hadn’t found out on my own I would have never known, huh? I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later the kind of person you really are! I should have known by the way you kept trying to go down on me like some common whore in the street that this was inevitable!”

  “Now wait just a damned minute. The one thing you’re not going to do in this conversation is berate me, belittle me or call me anything other than my name. YES, I cheated! Was that wrong? YES! You have every right to be hurt and angry and I know that you don’t mean all of these things you’re saying. You are not this person. I’m so sorry I’ve pushed you to such a dark place. You’re right, there were some things lacking in our relationship that I should have talked to you about directly before things happened the way that they did, but I can’t change that now. You also should have mentioned before last night your reasons for being hesitant in the bedroom, but you didn’t. I don’t want to go back and forth about it. All I can do is apologize. I hope that one day we can get past this, but for today I’m just going to hang up before any more harsh words are shared. I wish things could have been different, but I’ll have to accept them as they are. Goodbye Josh.”

  “Erin,” His voice was eerily calm. “You don’t decide when I’m done speaking and you don’t get to end this conversation on your terms. I’m not the one who fucked up here, you are. You’re the one who put our relationship to the side so that you could act like a bitch in heat! I hear your apology, but it doesn’t do much considering the fact that you never once thought about us before or while you were screwing a damned near random man in Vegas. You’re right, typically this isn’t me, but don’t mistake being kind for being weak, because I am far from it. I had the strength to love you when you were broken –despite the fact that you tried to push me away because of your own insecurities. When you look back on all this, you remember that! Now our conversation is over!” I heard the click on the other end of the receiver and that was it.

  I stomped upstairs to find things in my room were perfectly intact. Yet I still felt as though it had been ransacked. I wonder how long he’s known about my hiding place and why he never said anything. Shit, if he wasn’t so damned reserved I wouldn’t have had to hide them in the first place. My head was spinning. Thoughts were whirling out of control and I could feel an anxiety attack in the making. I scrolled through my phone and dialed Dr. Stevenson’s office to inquire if there was an appointment available before Thursday. Her receptionist scheduled me for tomorrow at two. The break up combined with what I’d had found out about Josh, plus my own cheating, and my controlling issues had all created one giant, painful abscess on my life. I knew I needed a professional to assist with its removal. This is all getting to be too much. What was I thinking trying to dive head first into a relationship? I clearly can’t handle all that goes along with it. It was overwhelming, but I willed myself not to cry.

  Instead, I dialed Angie’s number and left a message for her to get the girls together and meet me at O’Brian’s. I stressed that it was an emergency. My heart was heavy over the way things had happened with Josh, but I’d never been the type to wallow in self-pity. A trip to the bar is exactly what this day requires.

  *****

  Again I was at the bar with my beloved bartender Chris. I’d already downed two tequila shots before I noticed the arrival of my friends. I waved them over and ordered two shots for each of them. It was Karaoke night at O’Brian’s and I was still trying to find the right tactic to convince the girls to join me on the stage. In my mind, I was killing two birds with one stone. I was starting my new adventure by performing in public and drowning out the sting of my breakup with Josh. “You girls need to catch up,” I yelled to Angie over the blare of loud music and off-key vocals.

  Angie eyed me with a raised brow. “Why do we need to catch up? You’re the one going up there to make a fool of yourself!”

  “Umm, I beg your pardon Angela! We’re all going to do this together! It could be our last girls’ night for a while. Humor me!” I was pretty satisfied with my guilt trip ask I worked on a beer Chris slid in front of me. I watched as Angela knocked back her first shot and grabbed a lemon wedge from the cup in front of me. She grimaced as her lips puckered around the slice of citrus. I shifted my gaze to Feliz next who took her shot straight; no chaser and flashed me a “take that bitch” smile. Amber was still trying to get the shot glass close enough to her face to take a sip. Sh
e plugged her nose and took a gulp and followed it up with a series of coughs.

  Angie handed her a lemon and said, “Damn girl! You didn’t even take the whole shot! Put on your big girl panties and finish it up!” Once again Amber took the glass to her lips and tilted her head back as she let the liquid slide down her throat. After which, she then promptly asked the bartender what goes well with tequila.

  “I could make you a tequila sunrise with your other shot if you like.” Chris looked amused as Amber clenched her teeth down around the lemon wedge and scrunched up her nose.

  Amber snatched the wedge from her mouth. “Tequila sunrise has to be better than this. Yes, please give me one of those!” I accepted the compromise since we all knew Amber was the light-weight of the bunch when it came to drinking.

  “Ok, so what song should we do,” I asked as we flipped through pages of the song book next to the DJ.

  “I think it should be something where there is a lead and background parts since you’re the singer of the group Erin,” Angie said.

  “Oooooh! Let’s do Independent Women by Destiny’s Child!! I know it’s old, but I’m feeling that right now.” I shrieked. The shrill sound of my voice surprised me and I waited for my friends’ reactions. After a few eye rolls and moans they all agreed.

  “We should do the Charlie’s Angels pose at the end,” Amber exclaimed. Feliz and Angie looked uncertain, but I chimed in, “Hell, why not?!”

  Before we knew it, it was our turn to take the stage. “Ladies and Gentleman let’s give a warm round of applause for this next group of ladies as they come up. Erin, Angie, Amber and Feliz, you’re up,” the DJ said over the speaker. I swallowed down the last of my beer before heading toward the stage, my three friends ambling reluctantly behind me.

  When the beat came in we sprang to life. We waggled our hips seductively and bounced to the music. I was glad I managed to make it through the entire song without knowing all the words. And my backup singers; they were humorously horrible, but we were all too tipsy to care. When the song was over and we had stricken our dramatic pose, each of us took a bow and the crowd clapped and hooted. Once again, amidst the clamber, one voice stood out distinctively. I knew he was there, but I didn’t know why. As we made our way back to the bar, I turned to Angie and said, “I’ll be right back. I need to go to the restroom.” I tried my best to be nonchalant as I made a beeline toward the front entrance and down the short hall to the ladies' room. I stalled a moment before I went in hoping maybe he would show up behind me. To my disappointment he didn’t show so I went on in.