Shy... Read online

  Josh didn’t used to be a yeller, but he was becoming one. He was crunching ice and jerking off hunched over his computer in the dark until his cock was sore.

  Now he felt like less than a man. The truth was that he wasn’t satisfying her and that’s why she didn’t want to have sex. He realized he would rather hear that she was cheating. The thought of her being wild with another man added excitement to the swirl of emotions he was feeling. Knowing the truth was that he failed to excite her and she’d rather not have sex at all made him feel worthless.

  Tears stung at his eyes and he turned away from her.

  Mandy said, “Maybe we could talk about this later after you calm down.”

  The words hurt even more. She didn’t say it was okay. She didn’t offer to try something different. She didn’t say she still loved him. She just put the problem back on his shoulders and he already felt the full weight of it. He needed to calm down. Then, maybe she would talk to him.

  Josh let his shoulders sag and he went for the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going to calm down,” Josh said, “so that maybe we can talk.”

  He opened the door and paused. He waited for her to change her mind. He wanted her to relent. Maybe she would show a little passion or fear about the possibility of losing him instead of her infuriating, demure passivity. He hoped for her to say something – anything.

  Mandy’s footsteps were walking away. She was going toward the kitchen. Hell, for all Josh knew she was just going to make herself a sandwich while he was gone. She wasn’t even going to ask where he was going because maybe she didn’t care as long as he left her alone with his clumsy, unsatisfying hands.

  She said, “Good.”

  Josh’s legs felt weak. She didn’t deliver it with any anger. There was no attempt to hurt behind the words. She was just saying it as a matter of fact. Good. It was good that he was leaving for a while.

  Josh stepped out and closed the door.

  ***

  He wasn’t storming off. As Josh drove toward the sandwich place across town, he was just going to meet an old friend like he had scheduled before he ever knew that he couldn’t satisfy his wife – couldn’t bring her to orgasm. His wife was making a sandwich in their kitchen and he was driving across town to get his. Josh thought there might be a word for that. There was some word that described characters living parallel but separate lives from each other. The only word Josh could come up with was “sad.”

  He felt a dark desire to hurt her. Not physically, but to make her feel the sadness and guilt that he felt. He wanted to turn away from the road to the sandwich shop and go up some other road into the waiting arms of a mistress. He pictured some slutty creature in silk. She had heavy breasts, a smooth curved ass, muscular legs. He pictured his hands cupping her breasts and running his fingers over her tight body. In his imagination, he saw long, dark hair. He closed his fingers in her hair to bring her in to kiss her with the passion that his wife lacked – that he had failed to bring out of her. He then realized that the woman he had built in his fantasy was Mandy. Even in his cheating fantasies, a passionate, satisfied Mandy was all that he wanted.

  Josh sighed and let the images drift away. Even if he wanted to go out and cheat, he had no prospects. He hadn’t been looking for any. All he wanted was more sex from Mandy. He went through most of high school and college unable to get any girl to go out with him much less have sex with him. If he wanted to cheat on his unsatisfied wife, he was going to run into that same problem again.

  He thought that maybe his lack of practice was part of the problem he was having bringing Mandy to orgasm now. She was quiet in bed and he could use a little direction. It wasn’t fair that she expected him to figure it all out by himself. She was reserved in life and in bed. Maybe it was her own coldness that was the problem. She needed to thaw.

  Josh shook his head. While he was waiting for her to thaw, he would be going without sex from a wife, a gorgeous wife, that had no motivation to get back into bed with him.

  He nearly missed the parking lot and made a hard turn to bounce over the curb into a space. His heart pounded and he took a deep breath. “That’s the most action I’ve seen all month.”

  Josh got out of the car and walked halfway to the shop. He paused and held up his key fob. He pushed the button to lock the door, but nothing happened. He kept pushing the button, but he was getting no reaction.

  Josh sighed. “Story of my life.”

  The battery must have died. He didn’t even know what kind of battery this door locking remote took or how to change it. Josh stared at his keys and felt helpless. He needed someone to tell him how to fix this and everything else – including Mandy.

  He put his keys away and walked inside without locking the doors. He mumbled. “Another job unfinished. Nobody wants what I have anyway. Leave them unlocked. Take the whole car, if you want. Someone else can probably drive it better anyway.”

  He spotted his friend in the corner and sat down across from him. Josh picked up the menu, but he couldn’t even focus on the long list of choices.

  “I already ordered you a sandwich I thought you’d like. Is that okay?”

  At first, Josh thought it was weird that Pastor Mason would just assume he knew what Josh would want, but then he realized it was one less decision he had to make on a day where he was doing everything wrong. He set the menu aside. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

  Mason said, “Were you talking to yourself when you came in?”

  Josh grimaced and looked away. “I’m having a rough day.”

  “I thought so from the way you fumbled into the parking lot.”

  Josh rubbed his eyes. “You saw that, huh?”

  “Yeah, it was like you never pulled a car into a slot before.”

  Pastor Mason was smiling, but his wording brought up an image of himself on top on Mandy. She was lying still and quiet in the dark. He was sweaty and bucking against her slow and uneven. Her breasts bobbed slightly with each motion. He realized now that she was feeling nothing. Maybe if he was bigger, he thought. The image changed and he saw Pastor Mason on top of her and she was actually moaning.

  Josh shook his head and coughed.

  “Josh, are you okay, man? What’s going on?”

  Josh looked at Mason and then quickly looked away. “Mandy and I had a little bit of a fight.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  Mandy had said she maybe wanted to talk, if Josh calmed down. Mason was offering to talk because Josh wasn’t calm. Josh gritted his teeth. “I don’t know. This isn’t really a pastor and sandwiches sort of topic.”

  “Believe me. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that everything is a pastor topic,” Mason said. “You wouldn’t believe the things people have confessed to me in every, dirty detail. But I would never tell their secrets of course. And I disagree. Everything goes with sandwiches.”

  Josh breathed out a single laugh and rubbed his face. “It’s really personal.”

  “It’s got to be sex stuff,” Mason said. “Everything is sex stuff. You won’t shock me. Believe me.”

  Josh shook his head. “It’s the opposite of shocking and exciting. It’s downright boring.”

  “How often do you have sex?”

  Josh bit his lip. “Listen. Maybe we could just eat sandwiches and talk about sports.”

  “Josh, before I was Pastor Mason, you and I were old high school buddies chasing tail, right?”

  Josh’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “As I recall, you got the tail and I just did the chasing.”

  Mason smiled. “I’m a changed man now.”

  Josh shook his head. “I’m not. I’m still chasing and not getting any.”

  “How often?”

  ***

  “Once a month. Maybe less.”

  Mason shook his head. “That’s a problem. Did she tell you anything in your fight that was useful in figuring out the problem?”

  Josh swallowed
and spoke barely above a whisper. “I don’t satisfy her.”

  “She doesn’t have an orgasm?”

  Josh shook his head.

  Pastor Mason said, “You have to fix this.”

  Josh felt heat in his cheeks. It was back on him. “You want to come over and show me how it’s done, old buddy?”

  Josh regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. The image of Mason on his moaning wife popped up again in his head and stuck. Josh felt a stirring heat down below and crossed his legs. He felt lost.

  Mason pulled a card out of his shirt pocket and set it on the table. Josh picked it up. There wasn’t much information on it. He read, “Dr. Mark Tuttle. Therapist?” Josh looked up at Mason from the card. “Couples therapy?”

  “This is something different,” Mason said. He swallowed and looked away. “This is a bit more … intense. He deals with intimacy and sexual issues.”

  Josh looked back at the card and bent it. “I don’t know if I can talk Mandy into this.”

  “She’ll probably go for working on the marriage. Most women can be talked into that even when they won’t put out.”

  “Mason. Jesus, man. I mean … sorry. No offense.”

  Mason smiled. “If you just get her there, Mark will do the rest. He is a miracle worker and I’m a bit of an expert on that particular subject.”

  Josh looked down at the card. “Something has to change, but I’m afraid. I only found out today what a bad job I do satisfying her. I’m terrified to find out what else might be wrong.”

  “Catherine and I used him.”

  Josh looked up from the card. “You?”

  Mason stared intently at Josh and nodded. “Catherine grew up in a strict family. She felt a lot of guilt. It got in the way of intimacy and satisfaction … for both of us. Things got bad. Mark fixed that for us. You have to trust his process. Whatever happens, whatever issues are brought out, and no matter what happens, you have to trust that what he does will work. I’m telling you from my own experience. Let it happen. Let him do his thing and you both will be changed.”

  Josh swallowed. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

  Mason said, “He will solve it in just one session.”

  Josh looked up. “That’s not possible.”

  Mason shrugged. “We used him for our marriage. We … my wife has sex four times a week at least.”

  Josh thought it was odd that Mason said “we” and then switched to “my wife.” He was more focused on the four times a week after one session of therapy though. “That’s the truth?”

  Mason shrugged. “Let him do his thing, Josh.”

  The sandwiches arrived and Josh put the card away. Mason ordered Josh a toasted sandwich. He didn’t like hot sandwiches, but he took a bite to be polite. It was a lot better than he thought. Josh thought maybe he should let other people order more often.

  ***

  “I’m scared, Josh. I don’t want to do this.”

  Josh took deep breaths before he answered. Yelling in the therapist’s waiting room before the first session would probably not help the process much.

  Josh adjusted on his end of the leather sofa. It was like a rawhide leather. The metal bolts that held the material stretched over the arms and cushions were big and had edges to them. They rubbed the backs of his knees and his arms. He felt very small and weak on the couch for some reason.

  The walls and tables had a similar outdoorsy sort of look to them. One piece of art on the wall looked like a lasso closing around a pair of leather riding gloves. The gloves looked worn and marked. The rope had frayed threads off each of the braids. The whole display made Josh feel uncomfortable for reasons he couldn’t place.

  Maybe Mandy had a point. Mason and his wife had used Dr. Mark Tuttle. Mason wouldn’t make up a story and Josh reminded himself, four days a week – at least. He whispered to himself. “Let Mark do his thing. He’s a miracle worker.

  “What?” Mandy was at the other end of the imposing sofa. That was certainly not a good sign. They needed a miracle and Josh was willing to go to any length at this point.

  “Nothing. I was just thinking about something else.” Josh scanned the bookshelf across the room. Even the books were bound in leather. The entire room was thick with the smell of it. Josh normally liked that smell, but in here it felt intimidating. “Mason and his wife used, Dr. Tuttle. He says it helped them … a lot.”

  Mandy made an audible sigh. “I wish you hadn’t talked to him about our problems. I’m not going to be able to look him in the face anymore.”

  “He’s a pastor.”

  “He’s your buddy and you were talking about our sex life.”

  “Or lack of it.”

  Mandy looked away. “I don’t know if I can talk about this with a stranger.”

  “You said, if I calmed down, that maybe we could talk. This is the best place to do that. This guy is supposed to be exactly what we need. Mason assured me that if we do exactly what he says, he will solve our problems.”

  Mandy fidgeted on the leather. Josh saw something he couldn’t read cross the muscles and expressions on her face. It scared him a little. She said, “I’m willing to try.”

  “I’ll do anything to make you happy and satisfied, Mandy. Seeing you … fulfilled is all I want.”

  She looked at him and looked away. She started to slide toward him on the couch. He felt a thrill in his chest and reached for her.

  The door to the inner office opened and they both jumped back to their sides of the imposing, leather couch.

  The man that leaned out was wearing a denim shirt and dark jeans. He had black boots with shiny, steel toes over the tips. The man smiled and straightened his back. His chest and shoulders were broad and the shirt defined the hard lines of muscle underneath. His belt was dark leather with a frayed rope over it held in place by shiny metal bolts that matched the couch. Josh thought the man looked more like an imposing cowboy or outlaw than a therapist. He did seem to go with the sofa. His hair was brushed back into dark waves.

  “I’m Dr. Mark Tuttle, but you’ll call me Mark. Let’s get on in here and make life better.” He stepped back into his office without closing the door.

  Josh stood first and took a few steps. He turned and saw Mandy still sitting on the couch. She shook her head. Josh took a deep breath. “Please.”

  She stood and they walked in together, but not touching. Josh thought about the fact that Dr. Tuttle had said they would call him Mark like it was an order instead of an offer. Josh imagined Mark was the kind of guy that would order him a toasted sandwich and then make him eat it.

  As if to punctuate this point, Mark said, “You, dear, sit by my desk. And you. Have a seat on that settee over there.”

  Josh looked around. There were more leather books, but the inner office was more refined. The shelves, desk, and accents were all dark wood. The wood smell replaced the leather.

  Mandy sat down on a wood chair next to the desk facing Josh like she was ordered. Mark leaned back on the front of his desk near Mandy. As Mark leaned back, Josh saw his bulge in the front of the man’s jeans. From this angle, it was level with his wife’s cheek. Mandy was looking too. Josh felt a wave of jealousy. She saw Josh looking at her and she looked down at the hardwood floor of the office.

  Josh cleared his throat. “Dr. Tuttle?”

  ***

  “What did I tell you, Josh?”

  “Excuse me?”

  He rolled his head up and stared into Josh’s eyes. Josh looked away first and the man said, “What did I tell you that you were to call me?”

  Josh swallowed. “Mark.”

  “That’s right. And where did I tell you to sit.”

  Josh looked behind him. He knew settee was a word for a couch, but it had an odd sound coming from this man in this place. He looked for another leather monstrosity, but he instead saw a pink, upholstered reclining couch.

  Josh looked back at Mark and pointed at the furniture that seemed out of place with the res
t of the office. “There?”

  Mark nodded. “That’s your spot.”

  Josh looked at Mandy with her head down and back at Mark’s bulge. “Shouldn’t we sit together, if we’re trying work out intimacy issues?”

  Mark laughed and his voice filled the space bouncing off the hard surfaces. “I appreciate your advice, Josh, but if you knew what you were doing, I’d be in your office instead of you in mine. Right?”