Spud Read online

  Friday 11th October

  Went to the beach with Mermaid. She spent the entire time talking to surfers and lifeguards. Some of them asked her if I was her younger brother. She told them I was an old friend.

  Think I must sign up for the school gym. I have the body of a ten-year-old. Maybe I should write to Rambo and ask him for some muscle building routines.

  I also need to buy some baggies. Only homos and Vaalies wear speedos anymore.

  Unfortunately, Dad’s photograph of the leopard crossing the road wasn’t as good as he thought it was. In fact the leopard wasn’t even in it! All you could see was a photograph of the dashboard and the bonnet of the station wagon. It must be said that after looking at the photo more closely there were a disturbing number of red lights flashing on the station wagon dashboard and both the rev counter and the heating gauge were in the red for danger parts. Dad was adamant that you could see a flash of the leopard’s tail in the top left corner of the photo but I reckon it was the yellow rim of Mom’s plastic wine goblet.

  Sunday 13th October

  Spent the morning bowling to Mermaid in the Crusaders cricket nets. She looked very sexy wearing my pads and a rather short denim miniskirt. She laughed at my ball box and said it looked like a miniature bird bath. I told her it was too small for me now and handed her the thigh pad.

  I bowled Mermaid twenty times in half an hour which either means she’s useless or my bowling is brilliant. She’s still better than Vern, though, who runs away from the ball and only hits it once it’s come to a standstill.

  I tried to practise my batting but Mermaid’s bowling/ throwing kept going off the pitch and into the side netting. We eventually called it off when a big crowd of men came out of the bar and stood behind the nets to watch my batting.

  We returned home to find Mom lounging on her sun bed with a gin and tonic in one hand and her fly swatter in the other. Dad was blowing into the fire and cursing the quality of charcoal in the country. Mom and Wombat were obviously in the middle of a conversation about Frank and his nineteen-year-old girlfriend. It soon became clear that Wombat was under the impression that Mermaid was Frank’s nineteen-year-old ‘floozy’. She glared at Mermaid and then turned to Mom and said, ‘She looks like a slut. You can tell by the skirt.’ Luckily Mermaid is used to Wombat’s general madness. She smiled at me after I’d apologized for about the fourth time and said, ‘At least she hasn’t gone on about my boobs yet.’ We then had an awkward moment when Mermaid caught me looking at her boobs. I should have kissed her but the Miltons were watching.

  Mental Note: Never have a platonic relationship with a gorgeous woman. Rather get savage bat on Day One than have to put up with a life of confusion, frustration and kissing your pillow.

  Monday 14th October

  SCORECARD

  FATTY Been working on unravelling the Mad House conspiracy.

  BOGGO Says he’s clinically depressed and thinking of leaving the school.

  VERN Showed us photographs of his holiday to Cape Town (Unfortunately, Vern was only about six years old in the photographs and missing his front teeth.)

  ROGER Has given Vern bat and has started sleeping in my locker.

  SIMON Says he’s going to be promoted to the first team from tomorrow.

  SPUD Saw a leopard in the game reserve and developed a dark fantasy about the Mermaid in cricket equipment.

  RAMBO Expelled.

  MAD DOG Expelled.

  Vern didn’t look happy about Roger giving him the cold shoulder. He accused me of doing voodoo on his cat and told me he would be watching me closely.

  Wednesday 16th October

  Viking made our whole drama class stand on the front of the theatre stage and scream as loudly as possible for as long as possible. He said he had the feeling that some of us had unresolved issues. (He was looking directly at me when he said it.) I must admit a good long maniacal scream made me feel at least thirty per cent better.

  Thursday 17th October

  The Guv is outraged that both his opening bowlers have been expelled. He was even more furious when he discovered that his captain and best batsman had reported to the first team practice instead. He announced that he couldn’t be expected to operate under such sordid circumstances, called off the practice and announced his retirement from coaching cricket. We didn’t know what to do so we hung around the nets and waited. The Guv returned about twenty minutes later with a hip flask and a large cigar.

  The Guv studied the eight of us in dismay and said the only two possible ways we could keep our unbeaten record were divine intervention or seven weeks of extensive flooding. He then told us to get practising while he went off to unearth rough diamonds at the under 15B net practice.

  He returned ten minutes later with three players and said, ‘Gentlemen, meet your new team mates. They may not look like much, but the rest I dare say were even worse.’ He lit his cigar and said, ‘God, it’s a dry, featureless desert out there.’ He then slammed his shooting stick into the ground, perched himself onto the seat and shouted, ‘Come on, men, stun me!’

  The new players are Shamus Walsh – Medium pace bowler – nickname Anus Martin Lewis – Medium pace bowler – nickname Stinky Danny Davids – Short and fat opening batsman – nickname Devito

  Friday 18th October

  Simon has been selected for the first team. Even Spare-rib looked thrilled. There must have been a problem with our team sheet because my name was typed out first which means I should be opening the batting. (If this isn’t an error I’m heading to the san for an off-sport slip.)

  Fatty tried to break his own farting record. Unfortunately, the whole thing was a let-down when Fatty called off the attempt at the last minute because of indigestion.

  It’s official! The Sad Six are no longer frightened of us. JR Ewing wanders through our dormitory like he owns the place and Pike comes in every night to take brandy orders from the bar. We have almost daily meetings about how we’re going to get revenge on Pike, Emberton and the Sad Six but nothing ever happens.

  Saturday 19th October

  CRICKET MATCH vs ST JAMES

  The cricket was a nightmare. I opened the batting and made a duck. Without Simon everyone looked lost and we were bowled out for 98. The Guv took great pleasure at the team talk in announcing that we would be opening the bowling with a Stinky/Anus combination.

  Unfortunately, our new opening bowlers are so slow that both the opposition opening batsmen took off their helmets and called for caps halfway through the second over. (This would never have happened with Mad Dog around.) I took the only two wickets to fall.

  We lost – badly.

  Simon scored 28 runs for the first team. He’s become irritatingly arrogant and wears his team cricket blazer in the dormitory at all times.

  Tuesday 22nd October

  Runt was lying in bed listening to his Walkman. The rest of the Sad Six were nowhere to be seen. After a year and a half of watching Rambo at work I decided to take the initiative. I marched up to Runt, ripped his earphones out of the Walkman and tried to lift him up to his feet with one hand. I didn’t lift him up but I did manage to rip his T-shirt and then uppercut him sharply on the chin. It was an aggressive start and I decided to keep him under pressure and speak in a commanding Rambo-like manner.

  SPUD How did you know about the Mad House?

  RUNT I followed you one Sunday, but I didn’t see anything.

  SPUD Who did you tell?

  RUNT No one.

  The way Runt said ‘No one’ made me think that he had definitely told someone and possibly everyone. Unfortunately, then Vern arrived and gave Runt a written warning. Runt took the blue chit without seeming too concerned about it and placed it in his locker on a huge pile of other blue chits. I decided that with Rain Man now scribbling a series of written warnings with his tongue hanging out, my investigations were going nowhere.

  I told Runt I would be watching him closely and stormed out of the dormitory like I was furious.
r />   Friday 25th October

  Death Breath handed me a green envelope at break:

  Dear Spud (or no longer)

  You naughty boy! I heard you guys got suspended. Is it really true that you built this incredible tree house where you drank, smoked and read poetry? Very Dead Poets Society. Everyone at school is talking about it.

  Oh – and why did you never take me there?

  CU soon?

  Amanda

  Saturday 26th October

  The cricket disaster continued and we got smashed again. The Guv said we would most probably struggle to beat the blind school. Simon scored 49 runs for the firsts.

  According to Boggo, Mad Dog has been phoning every day for the last four days. He says he’s wickedly bored and having six hours of home schooling six days a week.

  Sunday 27th October

  Linton Austin received some serious stick at the AA meeting. He was meant to have left in August to study economics at Oxford but says he’s going to UCT to study business management instead. Even worse is that he has been given a scholarship by Anglo American – the same company he accused of genocide last term. Luthuli accused him of being a wolf in sheep’s clothing and a quasi commie. Linton blushed and said that the decision made sound financial sense and that Oxford is totally overrated as a university. At the end of the meeting the cleverest boy in the school (and closet capitalist) stood up and announced that this would be his final AA meeting. His announcement received very lukewarm applause and a couple of awkward handshakes.

  Monday 28th October

  I wrote a letter back to Amanda giving her the rundown of the Mad House debacle. I also let her know that I was no longer a spud although it seems that the nickname has stuck.

  I told the others that we are now famous in all the girls’

  high schools in Natal. Everyone got really excited until Simon pointed out that we were gated until the end of the year and by next year everyone will have forgotten about what had happened.

  Fatty has been pestering Emberton for a month now about telling us the truth about the Mad House and who ratted on us and why. He decided to target Emberton because he’s a greedy sadist with low intelligence and the easiest prefect to bribe. Eventually, Emberton has agreed to spill the beans in return for the following items.

  EMBERTON BRIBE DEMANDS

  A block of cheese (Gouda)

  A jar of Bovril (large)

  A large Whole Nut chocolate (Cadbury’s)

  Spud’s girlfriend (the one with the big tits)

  A latest release CD from a band called THE RAMPAGE

  R30 in cash

  Simon’s hair gel

  We also have to call the idiot Sir for a week. We all coughed up ten rand and Boggo cycled off to the trading store to make the purchases. Everyone said the reference to Mermaid was a joke but I spent the rest of the day feeling a little concerned that I may have just sold my girlfriend into slavery.

  Friday 1st November

  22:00 Fatty called the dormitory to a meeting and lit up his candles.

  Turns out that the prefects received a tip-off about the Mad House before the July holidays. Nobody knows who leaked the information because it was written on a piece of paper and anonymously slid under Anderson’s door in the middle of the night. The traitor had even drawn a map to guide the prefects to the exact spot. Anderson discovered the Mad House and he knew immediately that we were using it as a hideaway den for drinking and smoking. They had reported it way back then to Sparerib! Sparerib apparently told them to wait until they could catch us in the Mad House with booze and to make sure Rambo was there at the time. According to Emberton, Sparerib made it clear to all the prefects at the beginning of the year that he wanted to get rid of Rambo and that they would receive special privileges if they assisted.

  I told Fatty that I’d interrogated Runt and that I was convinced it was Runt who had blown the whistle on us. Boggo agreed and said Mad Dog had made a blunder in not drowning Runt in the bog stream the day we found him snooping when he had the chance.

  Boggo was in the middle of explaining how he was going to torture Runt when the door creaked open and a large shadow stood on the threshold in the doorway. With expulsion looming over us, we all dived onto our beds and pretended to be asleep. There was a long silence. Finally Vern shone his torch on the shadow.

  ‘Rambo!’ shouted Vern.

  ‘Oh my God!’ gasped Fatty.

  ‘You’re both right,’ replied Rambo and dragged his trunk into the dormitory.

  Rambo wasn’t impressed with Fatty taking over his cubicle and gave him thirty seconds to pack up and get lost. Fatty did it in twenty-seven.

  Rambo has done it again.

  THE OFFICIAL STORY

  The school’s Board of Governors agreed that Rambo had been wrongfully expelled because he shouldn’t have been placed on final warning in the first place. The board also believed that there was evidence of bad blood between Rambo and Sparerib and that the decision to expel Rambo had been hasty and not fully researched.

  Rambo has just been beaten six by The Glock and is now, like the rest of us, officially on final warning.

  Mad Dog’s expulsion will not be changed because he was on Absolutely Final Warning and hasn’t passed an exam in two years.

  THE LOW-DOWN

  Rambo says his dad’s ex-girlfriend’s sister is best friends with Derrick Watts from Carte Blanche on TV, the programme that does investigations into dodgy things. Rambo apparently threatened to go on live television and admit to having an affair with a teacher (Eve) at our prestigious school last year and say he was unfairly expelled by Sparerib because Sparerib wanted revenge. (That was the point when The Glock called us in before the holidays to ask us those questions.) The Board of Governors realized that the whole thing could get messy and public so they decided to let Rambo come back provided he tell nobody about the Eve affair nor the circumstances of the whole case. They made him sign a confidentiality document and have made it clear that should he step out of line again he will be instantly expelled with no second chances this time.

  But the low-down gets even better! Apparently Sparerib threatened to resign as housemaster if Rambo came back to school, saying it would compromise his principles! Rambo says that Eve has finally admitted to Sparerib that they’ve had an affair. Rambo says Sparerib has been pretending that he never knew.

  Rambo then made us swear an oath of secrecy. Nobody had a Bible so we all swore on Vern’s dictionary.

  ‘Right,’ said Rambo as he pulled off his tie, ‘I believe it’s time to take out the trash.’ He pulled a squash racket out of his kit bag and led us into the first year dormitory.

  The Sad Six were all sitting around chatting on JR Ewing’s locker. When they saw Rambo striding towards them with Vern’s torch in one hand and a squash racket in the other it looked like they’d just laid eyes on Macarthur himself. Rambo smashed JR Ewing on the head with the racket. JR fell off his locker and onto his bed, clutching the top of his noggin. Rambo then picked up the final Darryl with one hand and threw him head first into the locker. The others cowered against the back wall pleading for mercy. Rambo told them to shut up before saying, ‘There’s bad news and there’s even worse news. The bad news is that I’m back. The even worse news is that I’m coming back here tomorrow.’

  Saturday 2nd November

  CRICKET MATCH VS ST PAULS

  When The Guv heard that Rambo was back at school he fired Anus and sent him back to the under 15B team. After dropping Anus, our coach slammed his shooting stick into the ground and said, ‘Rambo opens the bowling from this end and I think it will benefit if Stinky would bowl back into the breeze. If that doesn’t work, get Milton on and pray for rain.’

  Rambo bowled four wides and three no-balls in his first over. Captain Leslie tried to bring me on to replace Rambo in the following over. Rambo took Leslie aside for a brief chat after which I was told that Rambo was bowling again and was sent off to deep fine leg. Rambo’s bowling
didn’t improve but he still bowled for twelve overs without getting a wicket. At the other end Stinky bowled so slowly that the opposition coach asked him if he was a spinner. I took five wickets but they still got over two hundred.

  We were all out for 88.

  The Guv tore into the team after the match. He said the entire team was a stain on the good name of cricket. Then he informed us he was off home to commit suicide and stalked off through the trees and onto the road.

  Rambo kept his promise and tonight he led another attack on the Sad Six. This time he drenched Barryl’s bed in water and suspended Runt from the rafters with four school ties and a backpack.

  In fact Rambo’s attack was so ferocious that soon the entire Sad Six confessed to being the Mad House rat and begged for mercy. Rambo then asked them which one wrote the letter and they all put their hands up again. In the end Rambo couldn’t be sure who was guilty and who wasn’t, so he thrashed them all with his squash racquet.

  Just to rub it in, Fatty let off a disgusting fart as we were leaving. The Sad Six spent the next half an hour outside on the vestry roof waiting for the vile smell of sulphur to fade.

  Sunday 3rd November

  We all went back to the Mad House during free bounds because Rambo wanted to see what was left of it.

  There was nothing there. Even the beautiful big tree was gone.

  We looked around in the grass and bushes and found nothing. It suddenly felt like the Mad House was a dream that went bad and had maybe never really existed in the first place. The only thing that made it real was that Mad Dog was no longer with us.

  Rambo led us to the workshop and found one of the groundskeepers working under his car with a huge spanner. The man had gigantic teeth. They looked the kind of teeth that could eat a large mielie very quickly.

  The man seemed quite thrilled that he’d met what he called ‘the gang that built the Royal Hotel of tree houses’. He asked Rambo who had built it and without missing a beat Rambo told him that he had crafted the entire thing himself. The man with the mielie-eating teeth shook his hand and said, ‘Nice work.’