Iron Bay Chef 2: Krakens Worms and Wiggyfish Oh My! Read online

  1. Preparation of the kraken: Score the air kraken parts lengthwise, and insert garlic at regular intervals. Carefully wind up the arms into the barrel so the meat is submerged in the teriyaki sauce. Marinate overnight.

  2. Preparation of the mummeh: Unless the mummeh is cleaned by your provisioner, Mummehs unfortunately come with contents that must be removed. There are two ways to do this. The first is to cut the mummy off at the knees with a sharp knife, reaching in and removing all dried and desiccated materials in the central part of the corpse. Retain any amulets and other apparent sacred objects and study them for inscriptions of doom, fertility, summoning of spirits etc., reacting appropriately.

  The trick to this of course is that as you remove the contents, the mummeh’s papering and clothing becomes brittle and begins to sink. It’s important to remove only enough contents to remove space to admit the kraken arm, so the bandages do not collapse entirely.

  Once you get to the neck, you will find your arm probably not able to extend into the head. You will thus have to remove the head contents through the eye sockets The good news is that the mummifier already removed the brain and other obstacles and thus there will already be considerable empty space.

  A second option is to obtain a rat to remove the contents of the mummeh through consumption. If you have never used a rat in cooking preparations, a local disabled beggar or a local urchin, once asked, can supply one or more rats best then starved for a day or two. It’s important to admit the rat through the eye socket or the knee to minimize the rat’s interest in eating through the bandages.

  3. Once the mummeh has been cleaned sufficient to allow insertion of the kraken arms, hook or tie the small end of the tentacle to the rat’s tail by way of wires or string, and shove the rat into one knee end of the mummeh. Hold that end and the other knee closed.. Then place a piece of cheese on top of an eye socket.

  4. As the rat chases from inside the mummeh from the knee toward the eye socket and cheese, he or she will carry the kraken arm with them within the mummeh. Move the cheese far away enough from the socket so that when the rat emerges, he goes far enough to pull a bit of the tentacle through the eye socket. Continue pulling the tentacle until about four inches are sticking out of the eye socket.

  5. Repeat with the other knee and the other eye socket. If the arms are of sufficient length, a bow formed from the arms may be tied over the brow of the mummeh as a decorative feature.

  6. The eye sockets should be sealed by the emerged tentacle. You must now sew the knee cavities shut with cooking thread.

  7. Set the mummeh into a coffin (be sure it’s watertight) and cover with the teriyaki sauce, ginger, and pepper flakes. Marinate overnight.

  8. The next day, remove the stuffed mummeh. Drain. There is now one portion of the mummeh that is not stuffed. Untie one of the knees and reach into the mummeh and search the area of the pelvis. You are looking for a cylindrical shape about six inches long (note: some of my more experienced readers will recognize the shape by particular names of considerable variety and color, but I am writing this recipe on the assumption that lady yet flush with maidenhood may read it, so discretion is advised)

  Once you find the shape, remove it and excavate, and insert enough cinderberries to fill. Retain the cylindrical shape. Should there be any other shapes still attached to the cylinder, fill those too. To make it simpler to find the object later, detach it from the midsection and stuff it into the mummeh’s mouth cavity. (If your mummeh is a female, fill the spare mummeh hand with cinderberries and place it inside the pelvis area)

  9. You now have a softened mummeh stuffed with kraken arms as well as a fragrant packet of cinderberries. This is an excellent opportunity to invite neighbors over for a smoke and conversation, as it is unlikely they will have seen such a thing.

  Light a fire under a metal coffin, which presumably you have handy to protect against the island vampyres, and fill with oil. You will want to line the coffin with wire fencing to make removal of the paper-wrapped kraken simple, or get those neighbors to help you handle the five-foot slotted spoon.

  When the oil begins to bubble, submerge the mummeh in the container. It is very important to move slowly and carefully to settle the body into the coffin, as you don’t want oil splashing on you.

  10. Deep-fat-fry your paper-wrapped kraken for 18 minutes or until it browns and stiffens. Lift the body by way of the metal fencing or whatever device you settled on and place onto a large table to cool.

  11. When slicing your paper-wrapped kraken, use the sharpest knife you have, and swift strokes. You will need to dice through bone. Should the household lack anyone of sufficient strength to do so, consider approaching a constable and spending a few quid to hire out someone from the jail who has experience in swift chopping.

  12. Remove the filled cylinder with cinderberries. Chop into segments. For some reason, women seem to find this part of meal preparation easier to conduct than men. Dole out a portion of cinderberries as an accent toward the top of the bowl to everyone receiving a serving.

  13. Your guests will enjoy the kraken with vigor. You will find reactions to the rest of the contents will differ. Not everyone enjoys the wrapping, not everyone enjoys the bones, not everyone enjoys the desiccated organs, and of course no one will want to eat an amulet should one fall into their bowl. So it is important to have bowls where guests may place parts of the contents they do not wish to eat. These contents, infused with the essential oils and nutrients of air kraken, may be donated later to a local poorhouse to allow for the sustenance of others. This is much more useful to the poorhouse than a donation of money, which cannot be eaten.

  14. Enjoy your mummeh-wrapped kraken!

  CEEJAY’S REVIEW: Clearly this is more than a recipe. It’s also a murder mystery, medical manual, animal training guide, gynecology lesson and taxidermy instructions, all wrapped up like a… well, you know what it’s wrapped up like. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I deep-fried a mummeh for 19 minutes instead of the recommended 18, but I’ve always tended to be the curious sort. I promise I will actually attempt this recipe someday. Sure. Yep, that’s the ticket! (when mummified pigs fly)

  JUNIE’S REVIEW: Well, everything was fine until Emerson and Martin saw what was going on, went pale and dragged me out of the catacombs before I had a chance to try out my new hatchet. Whatever. I had to make some modifications to the recipe as a result but discovered that dried air kraken membrane, although a bit papery, does a bang-up job in a pinch as mummy-substitute. The end result tasted delightful but didn’t have the same je ne sais quoi that is present in the recipe as written. I’m putting this one away for another time.

  Krakenberry Pasta

  by Vernden Jervil

  The fleet airbase has just harpooned and pulled in a straggler from the yearly Kraken migration. Since they are chopping it up as we speak I can get started with a high flying recipe.

  Ingredients

  • Tentacles of one Kraken, preferred freshly caught and chopped.

  • Basket of cinderberries

  • Several pounds of fettuccine (less if you do not intend to use the entire Kraken)

  • Butter

  • Chopped garlic

  • Red peppers (diced)

  For the glaze

  • Pint of dark rum

  • 4 Oranges

  • 5 or 6 Limes

  • Handful of Salt

  • Several shakes of pepper

  • Cup of honey

  • Ginger (grated)

  While I am waiting for the fleet to chop up our catch we can start on the glaze. Mix the honey and rum together to form a base, then squeeze the juice from the oranges and limes in, after which you should grate two of the orange peels into the mix. Finally add in the spices and stir until it takes on an even consistency.

  Coat the Kraken bits and cinderberries in the glaze and put them into a steamer for 15-20 minutes. Turn them from time to time. We had to convert one of the engine compartments into a makeshift steamer, however more reasonable methods should be plausible on the ground.

  While this is going on start the fettuccine boiling in water with a small amount of salt. You want the pasta completely done before the steamer is done cooking.

  As soon as the pasta is done cooking, drain it and mix it in with the butter and garlic, laying out the pasta and garlic mix.

  Remove the Kraken and berries from the steamer, serving them on the pasta with the diced red pepper.

  Krakenberry pasta is best served while still hot.

  Note: reduce cooking times by about one-third if you are preparing this near sea level. However, it is a dish best served in the clouds.

  CEEJAY’S REVIEW: One cannot resist a recipe that recommends being served in the clouds. Sadly, I did not have quick access to an airship, or an engine compartment, so I did the next best thing and had the neighbor’s boiler sawed in half, in the interest of culinary science. (They really are going to have stern words with me when they return from their tour abroad, I am sure. Especially since I’d used their home to test Miss Hienrichs lutefisk recipe, too.) But I digress. I found the glaze especially delightful, reminiscent of a festive tropical drink. The steaming process rendered the cinderberries almost edible, too!

  JUNIE’S REVIEW: I found it difficult to get any red peppers this late in the year, so I had to substitute some dried red chili peppers. Now, one might think that chili peppers would overwhelm the other flavors in a mild recipe like this, but the secret is to just use MORE OF EVERYTHING. What I ended up with was a feisty kraken dish and a sudden craving for margaritas. After the Squire finished crushing a sufficient amount of ice, the four of us had a bit of a “south of the border” party; this gave Emerson a convenient excuse to show off a lovely so
mbrero he’d bought in the Port. It had sequins. Even though Bert couldn’t feel his tongue after a few bites, I’m counting this one as a success.

  Kraken en Nogada

  (Kraken in Chilies with Cinderberry Sauce)

  by Jimmy Branagh

  You must start this dish one day ahead by soaking the cinderberries for the nogada sauce overnight.

  Ingredients for The Picadillo

  1520 lbs of kraken flesh, cartilage removed

  400 onions, sliced

  170 cloves garlic, peeled

  31 lbs. salt, or to taste

  601 lbs. of lard or the fat from the broth

  240 medium onions, finely chopped

  175 cloves garlic, peeled and finely chopped

  The cooked meat (about 780 lbs. - note if you use more than 780 lbs., you will need to increase the amounts of the other ingredients)

  A molcajete (mortar and pestle)

  800 peppercorns

  570 whole cloves

  140 sticks of 12 inch stick cinnamon

  30 lbs. heaping of raisins

  20 lbs. blanched and slivered almonds

  20 heaping lbs. acitron or candied fruit, chopped

  16 lbs. salt, or to taste

  190 1/2 pounds of tomatoes, peeled and seeded

  170 pears, cored, peeled and chopped

  170 peaches, pitted, peeled and chopped

  Method

  Cut the kraken meat into large cubes. Put them into the pan with the onion, garlic, and salt and cover with cold water. Bring the meat to a boil, lower the flame and let it simmer until just tender - about 40-45 minutes. Do not overcook. Leave the meat to cool off in the broth. Turn on Radio Riel to keep it company.

  2. Strain the meat, reserving the broth, then shred or chop it finely and set it aside. Let the broth get completely cold and skim off the fat. Reserve the fat.

  3. Melt the lard and cook the onion and garlic, without browning, until they are soft.

  4. Add the meat and let it cook until it begins to brown.

  5. Crush the spices roughly in the molcajete and add them, with the rest of the ingredients to the meat mixture. (If you don’t have a molcajete, you can use the blunt end of a pestle to crush the spices in a bowl.) Cook the mixture a few moments longer.

  6. Add chopped peach and pear to the mixture.

  The Chilies

  600 poblano chiles (you MUST use this type of chile)

  7. Put the poblano chiles straight into a fairly high flame or under a broiler and let the skin blister and burn. Turn the chiles from time to time so they do not get overcooked or burn right through. (See How to roast chile peppers over a gas flame tutorial using Anaheim chiles.)

  8. Wrap the chiles in a damp cloth or plastic bag and leave them for about 20 minutes. The burned skin will then flake off very easily and the flesh will become a little more cooked in the steam. Make a slit in the side of each chili and carefully remove the seeds and veins. Be careful to leave the top of the chili, the part around the base of the stem, intact. (If the chilies are too hot - picante, let them soak in a mild vinegar and water solution for about 30 minutes.) Rinse the chilies and pat them dry.

  9. Stuff the chilies with the kraken meat until they are well filled out. Set them aside on paper towels.

  The Nogada (Cinderberry sauce)

  The day before

  2000 to 2500 fresh Cinderberries, shelled

  Cold milk

  10. Remove the thin papery skin from the cinderberries. I have found it virtually impossible to remove the skins from the fresh cinderberries that come from our cinderberry tree. We found that blanching the cinderberries did not help get the skin off. Completely cover the cinderberries with cold milk and leave them to soak overnight. but DO NOT leave them alone.

  On serving day

  The soaked and drained cinderberries

  14 lbs. white bread without crust

  14 lbs. queso fresco

  17 1/2 lbs. thick sour creme (or creme fraiche)

  15 1/2 lbs. sugar

  Large pinch of cinnamon

  11. Blend all of the ingredients in a blender until they are smooth.

  Serve: To assemble the dish, cover the stuffed chilies in the nogada sauce and sprinkle with fresh parsley leaves and pomegranate seeds.

  CEEJAY’S REVIEW: I am frankly surprised that young Jimmy was adept at such a complex, international recipe, or that he has the patience to wait overnight for a hot meal. I also wonder where an urchin gets a blender, but my money’s on some late night unauthorized cooking going on in Mornington’s kitchens. I carefully followed the instructions for all the day-before preparations, but then quite weary, I fell asleep - thus leaving the soaking cinderberries alone. To be honest, I was too frightened to re-enter the kitchen and finish the recipe. Jimmy’s always been honest with me though, so I will trust that the final product is tasty.

  JUNIE’S REVIEW: I simply love that urchins produce recipes that will feed the entire city. Perhaps they naturally gravitate toward soup-kitchen volumes given how many of them there are to feed. I was fortunate when preparing this because I had a barrel of chili peppers just waiting for a purpose, and there were plenty left over after testing Commander Jervil’s recipe. Even so, I did cut down this recipe just a tad…about 99%. There are only so many tons of air kraken meat that pass over the city every year, after all. In any case, this recipe was to die for. All of the fruit and spice blended perfectly, and what’s not to love about air kraken-stuffed peppers? My mouth waters just thinking about it. I spirited the leftovers home to Wheatstone for a weekend supper with Em before the Squire could get his hands on it.

  Wiggs Dinner

  by Cleetus O’Reatus

  Okay, I be about ta tell ya ‘bout some right delectable scoff. Up here ‘n these parts, narth of yar hoity-toity walled city of Babbage we tends to shartin’ the name a things a speck - so rather than Wiggyfish Dinner we just calls her the Wiggs Dinner. See what I done there? I just dropped the ‘fish’ part ta keeps it simple and such.

  Right then, let’s keep this proper. Here be yar ingredients

  3 pounds of the salted Wiggyfish

  a half gallon of ale

  1 mug of yellow split peas

  ‘bout a half dozen big taters

  a half dozen decent carrots

  a turnip roughly half the size of yer biggest tater

  a cabbage fresh from the garden and cut in wedges

  a half pound of butter

  salt and pepper

  Make sure ya gots what ya be needin’ befare ya start, see, ‘cause there ain’t nothin’ worse than getting halfway through yar cookin’ and discoverin’ ya be missing somethin’ crucial.

  Now ya start by rinsin’ yar fish in cold water. Then drop her in a dutch oven and cover with the ale. Next, wrap them split peas in a cheesecloth - if ya don’t got no cheescloth just use an old shirt. Make sure ya leave extra room when ya be tyin’ her off. Those little buggers swell when they get cookin’.

  Right then, next ya put the lid on yar dutch oven and simmer on a low heat far about three hours. Don’t be too concerned about the time, as long as she bubbles far a good part of the afternoon, you’ll be right.

  After some time has passed dice up yar root vegetables and toss ‘em in along with the cabbage wedges. Might also be a good time to check yar peas. If they be soft, mash them buggers into a smooth paste with some salt, pepper and yar half pound of butter. Set this aside ta serve as a side dish - it be right some scrumptious so no fingern in, ya hear me? It be right rude ta dip yar finger in far tastin’ when ya be cookin’ far guests.

  Now I’m gonna tell you a little trick so as ya knows when the Wiggs Dinner be done. Take a spoon and press one of yar root vegetable into the side of the dutch oven. If she squishes she be right ta go.

  All ya got left is ta ladle out yar Wiggs Dinner inta some bowls. Give everyone a spoon and a knife, roll up yar sleeves and dig in there. And tell everyone ta come hungry, there be seconds.

  CEEJAY’S REVIEW: This recipe took me a lot longer than expected. You see, there was the matter of the turnip. Every one I dug up was the wrong size, and I was kept very busy re-burying each one and digging up the next, measuring it, and re-burying it. Finally, I found one close enough to the right size. Whew! I think that really should have been discussed in the recipe. After that ordeal, everything else was a breeze. And I do believe I caught a few dinner guests sticking their fingers in the peas, so I did too. All in all, a tasty dish for a casual evening.