The Ex-Files Read online

  She's already vanished from my house. I had to give Juliette everything that reminded me of her. Considering we went out together for such a short time there was quite a haul. For a start, all those photos I took of her. Then there were other dead-stupid things like a ticket stub from our first-ever visit to the cinema and, would you believe, the itemized bill from Pizza Paradiso: all gone forever. I'm so excited because it also means my days as a ‘weirdo wuss’ (Gary's words) are nearly over.

  No more glooming about. No more being in a permanently bad mood. No more lying awake every night, rehashing every single thing that has happened between us and feeling lousy, lousy, lousy.

  Thanks to the Ex-Files I've taken a peek into a calmer, saner, totally Nicole-free world. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm well on my way.

  THURSDAY 13 AUGUST

  10.15 a.m.

  I'm off to meet a girl later this morning. She's called Leah, she's fourteen and she supports the same football team as me (Chelsea) and… well, that's all I know about her, really. I've never met her in my life.

  So yeah, it's a kind of blind date. Except it's not a date, it's meeting with a fellow-sufferer. Leah's also a member of the Ex-Files, one of its two youngest members, actually. (The other is me!!) She was dumped callously by her first serious boyfriend and it's taken her a long time to get over it, too.

  It strikes me, the minute you go out with someone it's just like you're entering a war zone – and there's a strong chance you could eventually find yourself on the casualty list. Like poor Leah and me did.

  Now Leah has said she'd like to chat informally with a boy, maybe have a few laughs with him too, just to get into the swing of things again. Juliette said the Ex-Files occasionally assign members a ‘buddy’ and she thinks Leah and I might be able to help each other. So we're meeting for lunch, ‘totally informally’ at Pizza Paradiso. Juliette said, ‘I expect you'd rather old-timers like Rupert and me weren't there,’ and I agreed Leah and me might chill out better on our own.

  I told Gary about Leah, and he said it was about time I saw other girls. I also mentioned to him about the Ex-Files. I know I'm not supposed to tell anyone about that, but one thing about Gary – he's completely trustworthy. He'll never spill your secrets to anyone.

  Anyway, he thought the Ex-Files was a total waste of time. He didn't know why people couldn't just forget and move on. But then, the longest he's ever gone out with a girl is a week!

  Still, he's coming with me to have a look at Leah. If she's anything like Juliette's description she'll be absolutely stunning. (Hope Juliette hasn't described me in too flattering tones.) I can't wait, actually.

  I do still think about Nicole. And I still get flashbacks. Rupert said to expect that. But her days in my head are really numbered now.

  In fact, this might be the last time ever I need to write about her. So have a nice life, Nicole, won't you? I know I will – maybe even with Leah. Who knows?

  Chapter 11

  THURSDAY 13 AUGUST

  3.30 p.m.

  When I was least expecting it, Nicole called me.

  And just before I was due to meet Leah as well. I couldn't believe it when her number came up on my phone. Just seeing that knocked all the breath out of me, never mind hearing her say, ‘Hello, Danny, how are you?’ in her soft, silky voice.

  ‘Oh, I'm great,’ I gulped. ‘Never better. Did you enjoy your holiday?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ she said a bit vaguely. Meanwhile, HOPE just exploded in my head. Sorry, Rupert, but I couldn't hold it back. Out of a clear, blue sky Nicole rings. What else was I to do but HOPE?

  ‘Well, I'm glad you're OK,’ she said.

  ‘Very OK,’ I replied, my heart hammering away.

  Nicole paused for a moment, and then her voice grew even softer. ‘The thing is, Danny, I thought I should tell you myself that I've just started seeing someone else.’

  There was a silence as loud as an earthquake before I muttered, ‘So what do you want from me, a reference?’ and hope vanished as suddenly as it had erupted.

  Then I said, ‘Actually, I've just started seeing someone else too and was wondering if I should tell you.’ And just so she didn't think I was making it up: ‘Her name is Leah and she supports Chelsea and I'm just off to meet her now, actually, at Pizza Paradiso.’

  Nicole wasn't expecting that at all. She never for a moment suspected I could move on as swiftly as her. ‘Well, I'm really pleased for you,’ she said in a dazed kind of voice.

  ‘Yeah, and I hope you and James will be very happy… It is James you're seeing now?’

  ‘Oh no,’ she replied. ‘It's a boy I met in Brighton. He's coming to stay with me for a while and I thought you might hear about us… and I'd rather you knew ahead of everyone else.’

  ‘Oh yeah, it's great to be first with the news,’ I said bitterly. ‘Anyway, I'd better not keep Leah waiting, she gets so impatient for me.’

  I didn't even wait for Nicole to reply. I just rang off. The next thing I knew my doorbell had rung four times and a voice was yelling, ‘Come on, bring out your dead!! It was Gary.

  I told him what had happened. He said, ‘But the great thing is, you weren't lying – you really have got this gorgeous new girl waiting for you.’

  And when we reached Pizza Paradiso Leah was already there, sitting, as arranged, at the table just by the window. And she was even more beautiful than Juliette had described, with a heart-shaped face and very big eyes. Gary let out a low whistle of appreciation and muttered, ‘Go on, my son, get stuck in.’

  Top advice – but I didn't follow it. Instead I said, in a low, defeated voice, ‘It's no good, I can't go in there.’

  ‘Hey, brain-donor,’ cried Gary scornfully. ‘Look at her.’

  I nodded miserably. ‘I know, but it's no good, my head's all over the place now. And I'd be terrible company.’

  I thought Gary would explode with derision. ‘If you let that stuck-up cow, Nicole, sabotage this, you're a total loser.’

  I was in complete agreement, and then I asked Gary if he'd tell Leah I couldn't make it.

  ‘So what exactly do I tell her?’ he demanded.

  ‘I don't know. Tell her I've got chickenpox. Tell her I've been unavoidably kidnapped. Tell her anything. Only be very gentle and give her my fullest apologies… and say I'll make it up to her!’

  Gary scowled at me and shuffled inside the café. We've got the same colour hair and are about the same height, so Leah didn't look very surprised to see him. I waited for Gary to explain and for her to jump to her feet – which was my cue to scuttle away. Only that didn't happen.

  Gary sat down opposite her. He's obviously breaking it to her gently, I thought. They chatted for what seemed like ages. She was smiling as well. And then he started ordering food.

  I watched all this with growing bewilderment. What on earth was going on? Finally, Gary got up but he didn't leave. Instead, he made for the loos and a few seconds later my mobile started ringing.

  ‘You just go home and dream about Nicole,’ said Gary. ‘I'm taking over here.’

  ‘You can't do that,’ I cried indignantly.

  ‘Well, it's better than the alternative, isn't it?’ said Gary, not altogether unreasonably. ‘The thing is, she thinks I'm you and I thought it would just seem too weird if I went into a long explanation. So I'm you, all right?’

  ‘Oh yeah, steal my identity, why don't you?’

  ‘I'm only borrowing it,’ he said, ‘to cheer up a poor, broken-hearted girl.’

  ‘You fancy her, don't you?’ I said.

  ‘What guy wouldn't… Oh, sorry, you don't, do you? Well, I'd better not keep my date waiting any longer. Don't worry; I'll make sure you give her a really good time. Bye.’

  I took one last look at them before I left, teeming with envy now. That should have been me sitting opposite that beautiful girl. Well, in a way it was me, of course.

  Why exactly did Nicole ring me? Did she think she was being kind breaking the news gently to he
r ex, who she's moved on from so swiftly? (And they say it's boys who are tough and insensitive.) No doubt her brand-new boyfriend is… No, I don't even want to think about him. I just want to say if she hadn't rung and got me all stirred up again, I'd be having a great day now.

  So she's messed up my life yet again.

  5.35 p.m.

  My new girlfriend has just rung to thank me for a great lunch. This didn't seem the right moment to inform her that we've never actually met.

  Got the surprise of my life when she called. I'd totally forgotten we'd been given each other's mobile numbers. Luckily my voice isn't that different from Gary's – only his is probably a bit deeper. So when I growled, ‘Hey, Leah, how are you?’ I sounded just like Darth Vader. No wonder she asked me if I was all right. ‘Getting a bit of a cold,’ I explained and threw in a little cough to add atmosphere.

  ‘Oh, I'm sorry.’ She sounded genuinely concerned. ‘Hope you're well for tomorrow.’

  ‘Tomorrow,’ I echoed uncertainly.

  ‘We're still going bowling, aren't we?’

  It was the first I knew of it. Gary really should have filled me in on vital facts such as these.

  ‘It is still on?’ she asked, with a definite little throb in her voice.

  ‘Oh yeah, it really is,’ I said hastily. ‘Looking forward to it already.’

  ‘Well, I just wanted to thank you for really cheering me up. I haven't laughed so much for ages. See you soon then, Danny.’

  Immediately afterwards I rang Gary to find out more about my second get-together with Leah.

  ‘We're just going bowling – it's no big deal.’

  ‘Well, make sure you look after her properly,’ I said. Gary has rather a bad reputation where girls are concerned.

  ‘I'll give her the time of her life,’ he replied, then he laughed. I didn't like the sound of that laugh. And all the time I was talking to Gary I had a bitter taste of jealousy in my mouth. It should be me out with Leah tomorrow.

  THIS IS THE VERY LAST TIME NICOLE WILL STOP ME FROM ENJOYING MYSELF.

  FRIDAY 14 AUGUST

  I cooked up this plan. While out bowling with Leah tonight, Gary will confess he is an impostor. Next he will announce, ‘Here's the real Danny,’ and up pops me.

  ‘Then what happens?’ Gary asked, when I told him. ‘Does Leah continue the evening with both of us or does she have to send one of us home… or maybe she'll just think we've both been having a big laugh at her expense?’

  That was the very last thing I wanted, especially as I know she's in a very fragile state at the moment. And if it's Gary playing me that she likes, who is to say she will like the real Danny as much?

  So I'm afraid Gary's right; we'll just have to wait a bit longer for him to reveal he isn't actually me. Dead frustrating, though.

  Still, the fact that I'm interested in other girls – well, one girl, Leah – is proof I'm practically cured of Nicole.

  Chapter 12

  SATURDAY 15 AUGUST

  11.30 a.m.

  Something totally incredible has just happened.

  My parents and my two little brothers left early this morning (well, at 9.30 a.m., and to me, that's early on a Saturday morning) for Alton Towers. I went back to bed and had actually drifted off to sleep again, when the doorbell rang about an hour later. I looked fuzzily out of my bedroom window. Someone was pacing about very impatiently in my drive. And it was the very last person I ever expected to see, even more unexpected than Nicole.

  I blinked in disbelief at the figure glowering on my doorstep, then threw on some jeans and a T-shirt and tore downstairs. I opened the door just as it rang for a second time.

  I was deathly quiet for a moment. Then fury rushed back as I realized that the person I hate more than anyone else on the planet was here on my doorstep. I practically yelled, ‘You've got a nerve!’

  James – for yes, it really was him – replied curtly, ‘Believe me, I wouldn't have come here if it wasn't an emergency.’

  A wisp of hope stirred inside me. He'd brought a message from Nicole. She wanted to come back to me.

  But then he said, ‘Nicole doesn't know I'm here.’

  ‘So what's all this about?’ I demanded.

  ‘I'm very worried about her,’ he said. ‘And I'd rather not continue this conversation on the doorstep.’ His jaw was clenched so tightly his voice seemed to be coming from somewhere else. He was hating every moment of this. So what had happened to Nicole to bring him round here? A shiver of apprehension ran through me.

  ‘You can come in for a minute,’ I said. We walked into the kitchen in grim silence. We could have been on our way to a funeral. I didn't offer him a drink. I didn't even invite him to sit down. We faced each other like two opponents before a duel. I was fighting this angry lump in my throat. It really was thanks to him Nicole and I had broken up, and I'll never forget that.

  He moved nearer to me.

  ‘Now, you're standing too close,’ I said. ‘And I hate it when my skin starts crawling.’

  He edged back. ‘I shan't take up very much of your time,’ he said pompously. He twisted his face up and announced to the ceiling, ‘Nicole's got a new boyfriend.’

  ‘Old news,’ I called out.

  He ignored this and went on conversing with the ceiling, in his dry, little voice. ‘He seems very friendly and likeable.’

  I shifted about impatiently.

  ‘So this new boyfriend completely fooled me, I admit that.’ All at once he had my full attention. ‘But now I can see that he's messing Nicole about, playing stupid games… I'm not happy about that relationship at all.’

  ‘Well, so what!’ I snapped. ‘What's it got to do with you, anyway?’

  ‘I have her best interests at heart –’ he replied quietly.

  ‘Says you…’ I interrupted sneeringly.

  He paused. There were little beads of sweat on his forehead. ‘Personally, I think she deserves someone better than either of you.’

  ‘Like you, I suppose.’

  His eyes went narrow. ‘She's never, ever looked at me in that way. She went out with this other guy on the rebound from you. I think she might still like you.’

  ‘Oh, really.’ I struggled to make my voice sound amused and unconcerned.

  ‘If I can arrange it, would you be prepared to meet Nicole again?’

  I looked at him incredulously. ‘Why on earth would you do that?’

  He swallowed. ‘For Nicole…’ he began, then stopped and just repeated, ‘For Nicole.’

  Only a few days ago I'd have jumped at such a deal… no questions asked. But now was different. I was getting back in the flow of things again. I even had a possible girlfriend… Well, she hasn't actually met me yet but that was just a minor technicality.

  And the Ex-Files have done a really great job of curing me of Nicole. Rupert said only yesterday what great progress I'm making. Do I really want to go back to how I was before – a miserable obsessive, whose head contained only her?

  Most importantly, can I trust James? Maybe Nicole was actually quite happy with her new boyfriend, and James just wanted to mess things up for his own murky reasons.

  ‘Of course, if you don't care about her any more.’ James's words shot round my tiny kitchen.

  Stung now, I exclaimed, ‘Just who do you think you are, saying I can see Nicole again? Why is it up to you? Isn't it time you got a girlfriend of your own?’

  ‘I shall leave now,’ interrupted James stiffly.

  He walked briskly to the front door. I growled at his back, ‘Tell me exactly why you want me to meet up with Nicole?’

  He turned. ‘Because I think it might get her out of his clutches.’ For some reason he was whispering now, ‘And that's what would be best for Nicole.’

  ‘You really could bear her to go back out with a Chav like me?’

  ‘You're better than the alternative,’ he hissed. ‘Just.’ He went on. ‘I shall need you to call me with your decision later on today.’


  ‘Only a twenty-four-hour offer, is it?’

  He didn't answer and stalked away.

  What exactly is he up to? The more I think about this, the more confused I get.

  That's why I'm going to consult Rupert right now. He'll know what to do.

  1.30 p.m.

  I never thought I'd have an argument with Rupert… but I just have.

  I rang him, and he was round here in a flash. There was a gleam in his eye as he exclaimed, ‘James turning up at your house this morning, why, that's the shock of the century,’ and we both laughed about it like two good mates. But when I suggested that I go along with what James suggested, he shook his head very firmly.

  ‘Look, I'm really not expecting anything,’ I explained. ‘I'm just dead curious to know what James is up to.’

  ‘No, you must leave that to us,’ replied Rupert, firmly. ‘I've got people working on it already. They'll smoke out the truth.’

  Usually I really like the way Rupert acts as if he's the head of some worldwide organization. But just then I found it irritating. Why this big drama? Why couldn't I find out for myself what was going on?

  Rupert smiled wryly. ‘Look, I know how tempting James's offer is, but it must be resisted at all costs. Something is wrong here; I can feel it… and do not, under any circumstance, contact Nicole about this… that would be a really fatal error.’ I thought, He's really piling the pressure on me now.

  Now, I think Rupert – and Juliette – are great. I've got masses of respect for both of them. But just occasionally, I resent the way they – and especially Rupert – think they can completely take over my life. Advice is great, but don't give me orders. Don't tell me what to do. I really hate it when people do that.

  Anyway, before I knew it, Rupert and I were doing battle – over James, of all people.