03 Tales of St.Austin's Read online

  ‘I told you so,’ said Welch. ‘You’re to go to the Old Man at once. He’s just sent over for you. I say, look here, if it’s only lines I don’t mind doing some of them, if you like.’

  Charteris was quite touched by this sporting offer.

  ‘It’s awfully good of you,’ he said, ‘but it doesn’t matter, really. I shall be all right.’

  Ten minutes later he returned, beaming.

  ‘Well,’ said Welch, ‘what’s he given you?’

  ‘Only his love, to give to you. It was this way. He first asked me if I wasn’t perfectly aware that Stapleton was out of bounds. “Sir,” says I, “I’ve known it from childhood’s earliest hour.” “Ah,” says he to me, “did Mr Merevale give you leave to go in this afternoon?” “No,” says I, “I never consulted the gent you mention.”’

  ‘Well?’

  ‘Then he ragged me for ten minutes, and finally told me I must go into extra the next two Saturdays.’

  ‘I thought so.’

  ‘Ah, but mark the sequel. When he had finished, I said that I was sorry I had mistaken the rules, but I had thought that a chap was allowed to go into Stapleton if he got leave from a master. “But you said that Mr Merevale did not give you leave,” said he. “Friend of my youth,” I replied courteously, “you are perfectly correct. As always. Mr Merevale did not give me leave, but,” I added suavely, “Mr Dacre did.” And I came away, chanting hymns of triumph in a mellow baritone, and leaving him in a dead faint on the sofa. And the Bargee, who was present during the conflict, swiftly and silently vanished away, his morale considerably shattered. And that, my gentle Welch,’ concluded Charteris cheerfully, ‘put me one up. So pass the biscuits, and let us rejoice if we never rejoice again.’

  Chapter 3

  The Easter term was nearing its end. Football, with the exception of the final House-match, which had still to come off, was over, and life was in consequence a trifle less exhilarating than it might have been. In some ways the last few weeks before the Easter holidays are quite pleasant. You can put on running shorts and a blazer and potter about the grounds, feeling strong and athletic, and delude yourself into the notion that you are training for the sports. Ten minutes at the broad jump, five with the weight, a few sprints on the track—it is all very amusing and harmless, but it is apt to become monotonous after a time. And if the weather is at all inclined to be chilly, such an occupation becomes impossible.

  Charteris found things particularly dull. He was a fair average runner, but there were others far better at every distance, so that he saw no use in mortifying the flesh with strict training. On the other hand, in view of the fact that the final House-match had yet to be played, and that Merevale’s was one of the two teams that were going to play it, it behoved him to keep himself at least moderately fit. The genial muffin and the cheery crumpet were still things to be avoided. He thus found himself in a position where, apparently, the few things which it was possible for him to do were barred, and the net result was that he felt slightly dull.

  To make matters worse, all the rest of his set were working full time at their various employments, and had no leisure for amusing him. Welch practised hundred-yard sprints daily, and imagined that it would be quite a treat for Charteris to be allowed to time him. So he gave him the stopwatch, saw him safely to the end of the track, and at a given signal dashed off in the approved American style. By the time he reached the tape, dutifully held by two sporting Merevalian juniors, Charteris’s attention had generally been attracted elsewhere. ‘What time?’ Welch would pant. ‘By Jove,’ Charteris would observe blandly, ‘I forgot to look. About a minute and a quarter, I fancy.’ At which Welch, who always had a notion that he had done it in ten and a fifth that time, at any rate, would dissemble his joy, and mildly suggest that somebody else should hold the watch. Then there was Jim Thomson, generally a perfect mine of elevating conversation. He was in for the mile and also the half, and refused to talk about anything except those distances, and the best methods for running them in the minimum of time. Charteris began to feel a blue melancholy stealing over him. The Babe, again. He might have helped to while away the long hours, but unfortunately the Babe had been taken very bad with a notion that he was going to win the ‘cross-country run, and when, in addition to this, he was seized with a panic with regard to the prospects of the House team in the final, and began to throw out hints concerning strict training, Charteris regarded him as a person to be avoided. If he fled to the Babe for sympathy now, the Babe would be just as likely as not to suggest that he should come for a ten-mile spin with him, to get him into condition for the final Houser. The very thought of a ten-mile spin made Charteris feel faint. Lastly, there was Tony. But Tony’s company was worse than none at all. He went about with his arm in a sling, and declined to be comforted. But for his injury, he would by now have been training hard for the Aldershot Boxing Competition, and the fact that he was now definitely out of it had a very depressing effect upon him. He lounged moodily about the gymnasium, watching Menzies, who was to take his place, sparring with the instructor, and refused consolation. Altogether, Charteris found life a distinct bore.

  He was reduced to such straits for amusement, that one Wednesday afternoon, finding himself with nothing else to do, he was working at a burlesque and remarkably scurrilous article on ‘The Staff, by one who has suffered’, which he was going to insert in The Glow Worm, an unofficial periodical which he had started for the amusement of the School and his own and his contributors’ profit. He was just warming to his work, and beginning to enjoy himself, when the door opened without a preliminary knock. Charteris deftly slid a piece of blotting-paper over his MS., for Merevale occasionally entered a study in this manner. And though there was nothing about Merevale himself in the article, it would be better perhaps, thought Charteris, if he did not see it. But it was not Merevale. It was somebody far worse. The Babe.

  The Babe was clothed as to his body in football clothes, and as to face, in a look of holy enthusiasm. Charteris knew what that look meant. It meant that the Babe was going to try and drag him out for a run.

  ‘Go away, Babe,’ he said, ‘I’m busy.’

  ‘Why on earth are you slacking in here on this ripping afternoon?’

  ‘Slacking!’ said Charteris. ‘I like that. I’m doing berrain work, Babe. I’m writing an article on masters and their customs, which will cause a profound sensation in the Common Room. At least it would, if they ever saw it, but they won’t. Or I hope they won’t for their sake and mine. So run away, my precious Babe, and don’t disturb your uncle when he’s busy.’

  ‘Rot,’ said the Babe firmly, ‘you haven’t taken any exercise for a week.’

  Charteris replied proudly that he had wound up his watch only last night. The Babe refused to accept the remark as relevant to the matter in hand.

  ‘Look here, Alderman,’ he said, sitting down on the table, and gazing sternly at his victim, ‘it’s all very well, you know, but the final comes on in a few days, and you know you aren’t in any too good training.’

  ‘I am,’ said Charteris, ‘I’m as fit as a prize fighter. Simply full of beans. Feel my ribs.’

  The Babe declined the offer.

  ‘No, but I say,’ he said plaintively, ‘I wish you’d treat it seriously. It’s getting jolly serious, really. If Dacre’s win that cup again this year, that’ll make four years running.’

  ‘Not so,’ said Charteris, like the mariner of infinite-resource-and-sagacity; ‘not so, but far otherwise. It’ll only make three.’

  ‘Well, three’s bad enough.’

  ‘True, oh king, three is quite bad enough.’

  ‘Well, then, there you are. Now you see.’

  Charteris looked puzzled.

  ‘Would you mind explaining that remark?’ he said. ‘Slowly.’

  But the Babe had got off the table, and was prowling round the room, opening cupboards and boxes.

  ‘What are you playing at?’ enquired Charteris.

&n
bsp; ‘Where do you keep your footer things?’

  ‘What do you want with my footer things, if you don’t mind my asking?’

  ‘I’m going to help you put them on, and then you’re coming for a run.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Charteris.

  ‘Yes. Just a gentle spin to keep you in training. Hullo, this looks like them.’

  He plunged both hands into a box near the window and flung out a mass of football clothes. It reminded Charteris of a terrier digging at a rabbit-hole.

  He protested.

  ‘Don’t, Babe. Treat ‘em tenderly. You’ll be spoiling the crease in those bags if you heave ‘em about like that. I’m very particular about how I look on the football field. I was always taught to dress myself like a little gentleman, so to speak. Well, now you’ve seen them, put ‘em away.’

  ‘Put ‘em on,’ said the Babe firmly.

  ‘You are a beast, Babe. I don’t want to go for a run. I’m getting too old for violent exercise.’

  ‘Buck up,’ said the Babe. ‘We mustn’t chuck any chances away. Now that Tony can’t play, we shall have to do all we know if we want to win.’

  ‘I don’t see what need there is to get nervous about it. Considering we’ve got three of the First three-quarter line, and the Second Fifteen back, we ought to do pretty well.’

  ‘But look at Dacre’s scrum. There’s Prescott, to start with. He’s worth any two of our men put together. Then they’ve got Carter, Smith, and Hemming out of the first, and Reeve-Jones out of the second. And their outsides aren’t so very bad, if you come to think of it. Bannister’s in the first, and the other three-quarters are all good. And they’ve got both the second halves. You’ll have practically to look after both of them now that Tony’s crocked. And Baddeley has come on a lot this term.’

  ‘Babe,’ said Charteris, ‘you have reason. I will turn over a new leaf. I will be good. Give me my things and I’ll come for a run. Only please don’t let it be anything over twenty miles.’

  ‘Good man,’ said the gratified Babe. ‘We won’t go far, and will take it quite easy.’

  ‘I tell you what,’ said Charteris. ‘Do you know a place called Worbury? I thought you wouldn’t, probably. It’s only a sort of hamlet, two cottages, three public-houses, and a duck-pond, and that sort of thing. I only know it because Welch and I ran there once last year. It’s in the Badgwick direction, about three miles by road, mostly along the level. I vote we muffle up fairly well, blazers and sweaters and so on, run to Worbury, tea at one of the cottages, and back in time for lock-up. How does that strike you?’

  ‘It sounds all right. How about tea though? Are you certain you can get it?’

  ‘Rather. The Oldest Inhabitant is quite a pal of mine.’

  Charteris’s circle of acquaintances was a standing wonder to the Babe and other Merevalians. He seemed to know everybody in the county.

  When once he was fairly started on any business, physical or mental, Charteris generally shaped well. It was the starting that he found the difficulty. Now that he was actually in motion, he was enjoying himself thoroughly. He wondered why on earth he had been so reluctant to come for this run. The knowledge that there were three miles to go, and that he was equal to them, made him feel a new man. He felt fit. And there is nothing like feeling fit for dispelling boredom. He swung along with the Babe at a steady pace.

  ‘There’s the cottage,’ he said, as they turned a bend of the road, and Worbury appeared a couple of hundred yards away. ‘Let’s sprint.’ They sprinted, and arrived at the door of the cottage with scarcely a yard between them, much to the admiration of the Oldest Inhabitant, who was smoking a thoughtful pipe in his front garden. Mrs Oldest Inhabitant came out of the cottage at the sound of voices, and Charteris broached the subject of tea. The menu was sumptuous and varied, and even the Babe, in spite of his devotion to strict training, could scarce forbear to smile happily at the mention of hot cakes.

  During the mauvais quart d’heure before the meal, Charteris kept up an animated conversation with the Oldest Inhabitant, the Babe joining in from time to time when he could think of anything to say. Charteris appeared to be quite a friend of the family. He enquired after the Oldest Inhabitant’s rheumatics. It was gratifying to find that they were distinctly better. How had Mrs O. I. been since his last visit? Prarper hearty? Excellent. How was the O. I.’s nevvy?

  At the mention of his nevvy the O. I. became discursive. He told his audience everything that had happened in connection with the said nevvy for years back. After which he started to describe what he would probably do in the future. Amongst other things, there were going to be some sports at Rutton today week, and his nevvy was going to try and win the cup for what the Oldest Inhabitant vaguely described as ‘a race’. He had won it last year. Yes, prarper good runner, his nevvy. Where was Rutton? the Babe wanted to know. About eight miles out of Stapleton, said Charteris, who was well up in local geography. You got there by train. It was the next station.

  Mrs O. I. came out to say that tea was ready, and, being drawn into the conversation on the subject of the Rutton sports, produced a programme of the same, which her nevvy had sent them. From this it seemed that the nevvy’s ‘spot’ event was the egg and spoon race. An asterisk against his name pointed him out as the last year’s winner.

  ‘Hullo,’ said Charteris, ‘I see there’s a strangers’ mile. I’m a demon at the mile when I’m roused. I think I shall go in for it.’

  He handed the programme back and began his tea.

  ‘You know, Babe,’ he said, as they were going back that evening, ‘I really think I shall go in for that race. It would be a most awful rag. It’s the day before the House-match, so it’ll just get me fit.’

  ‘Don’t be a fool,’ said the Babe. ‘There would be a fearful row about it if you were found out. You’d get extras for the rest of your life.’

  ‘Well, the final Houser comes off on a Thursday, so it won’t affect that.’

  ‘Yes, but still—’

  ‘I shall think about it,’ said Charteris. ‘You needn’t go telling anyone.’

  ‘If you’ll take my advice, you’ll drop it.’

  ‘Your suggestion has been noted, and will receive due attention,’ said Charteris. ‘Put on the pace a bit.’

  They lengthened their stride, and conversation came to an abrupt end.

  Chapter 4

  ‘I shall go, Babe,’ said Charteris on the following night.

  The Sixth Form had a slack day before them on the morrow, there being a temporary lull in the form-work which occurred about once a week, when there was no composition of any kind to be done. The Sixth did four compositions a week, two Greek and two Latin, and except for these did not bother themselves very much about overnight preparation. The Latin authors which the form were doing were Livy and Virgil, and when either of these were on the next day’s programme, most of the Sixth considered that they were justified in taking a night off. They relied on their ability to translate both authors at sight and without previous acquaintance. The popular notion that Virgil is hard rarely appeals to a member of a public school. There are two ways of translating Virgil, the conscientious and the other. He prefers the other.

  On this particular night, therefore, work was ‘off’. Merevale was over at the Great Hall, taking preparation, and the Sixth-Form Merevalians had assembled in Charteris’s study to talk about things in general. It was after a pause of some moments, that had followed upon a lively discussion of the House’s prospects in the forthcoming final, that Charteris had spoken.

  ‘I shall go, Babe,’ said he.

  ‘Go where?’ asked Tony, from the depths of a deck-chair.

  ‘Babe knows.’

  The Babe turned to the company and explained.

  ‘The lunatic’s going in for the strangers’ mile at some sports at Rutton next week. He’ll get booked for a cert. He can’t see that. I never saw such a man.’

  ‘Rally round,’ said Charteris, ‘and reason with me. I’
ll listen. Tony, what do you think about it?’

  Tony expressed his opinion tersely, and Charteris thanked him. Welch, who had been reading, now awoke to the fact that a discussion was in progress, and asked for details. The Babe explained once more, and Welch heartily corroborated Tony’s remarks. Charteris thanked him too.

  ‘You aren’t really going, are you?’ asked Welch.

  ‘Rather,’ said Charteris.

  ‘The Old Man won’t give you leave.’

  ‘Shan’t worry the poor man with such trifles.’

  ‘But it’s miles out of bounds. Stapleton station is out of bounds to start with. It’s against rules to go in a train, and Rutton’s even more out of bounds than Stapleton.’

  ‘And as there are sports there,’ said Tony, ‘the Old Man is certain to put Rutton specially out of bounds for that day. He always bars a St Austin’s chap going to a place when there’s anything going on there.’

  ‘I don’t care. What have I to do with the Old Man’s petty prejudices? Now, let me get at my time-table. Here we are. Now then.’

  ‘Don’t be a fool,’ said Tony,

  ‘Certainly not. Look here, there’s a train starts from Stapleton at three. I can catch that all right. Gets to Rutton at three-twenty. Sports begin at three-fifteen. At least, they are supposed to. Over before five, I should think. At least, my race will be, though I must stop to see the Oldest Inhabitant’s nevvy win the egg and spoon canter. But that ought to come on before the strangers’ race. Train back at a quarter past five. Arrives at a quarter to six. Lock up six-fifteen. That gives me half an hour to get here from Stapleton. What more do you want? I shall do it easily, and … the odds against my being booked are about twenty-five to one. At which price if any gent present cares to deposit his money, I am willing to take him. Now I’ll treat you to a tune, if you’re good.’

  He went to the cupboard and produced his gramophone. Charteris’s musical instruments had at one time been strictly suppressed by the authorities, and, in consequence, he had laid in a considerable stock of them. At last, when he discovered that there was no rule against the use of musical instruments in the House, Merevale had yielded. The stipulation that Charteris should play only before prep. was rigidly observed, except when Merevale was over at the Hall, and the Sixth had no work. On such occasions Charteris felt justified in breaking through the rule. He had a gramophone, a banjo, a penny whistle, and a mouth organ. The banjo, which he played really well, was the most in request, but the gramophone was also popular.