Crashing Into You Read online

  “I should have gone with her to that party,” I said. “She asked us if we wanted to go. I might have, if I hadn’t been such a pathetic little bitch at that party Friday night.”

  “Hey, hey, don’t talk about yourself like that!” He raised his voice. Lukas never raised his voice. “People say it all the time, and it’s true, as much as I hate to admit it. Sometimes... shit happens. Things that are always meant to happen, that we can't possibly stop, even if we try.”

  “But... she told me at Starbucks she didn't want to get wasted that night, didn't even want to stay out late. If I had been there, I would have kept an eye on her. I wouldn’t have let anything happen to her.” A tear trickled down my cheek. I wiped it away. “I promised I'd make it up to her. And now I never can.”

  “She died of alcohol poisoning! Do you understand that?” He swerved into another lane, and a loud truck honked at us from behind. Lukas merged back into the slow lane, and steadied the vehicle.

  “Watch the road,” I said. “Can you please not kill us on the way to a funeral?”

  Lukas ignored my question. “Here's the thing,” he continued, “she died, because she drank too much alcohol, because she was so dumb to think that getting drunk somehow equated to being accepted.”

  “Shut up,” I said. “You weren’t there. Maybe her so-called friends made her drink more than she wanted, you don't know. You have no idea what was going through her mind.”

  “I don’t claim to. What I’m saying is, from the first day you’ve known her, you’ve told her all about the dangers of alcohol, what it can do if you abuse it. I mean, that's your thing! She knew about what happened to you in high school, how you almost died. And she still did this to herself. She’s the idiot, Sydney. Not you.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t call her an idiot.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because she's fucking dead, that's why!” I slammed my head back. “I’m sorry. You know I'm not yelling at you. I’m yelling at the situation.”

  “It's fine,” he said.

  “I don’t know how I could have survived these last couple weeks without you, Lukas. You know that, right?”

  He tapped his hand against my leg, and attempted a lame smile. “I’m sorry all this had to happen.”

  “I am, too,” I said. “We were so close to having the best summer of our lives.”

  Lukas shrugged. “Who says we still can’t?”

  I rested my chin against my palm and stared at him. He was so collected, so confident. I wished I had what he had.

  We descended into the San Fernando Valley, headed east on the 118 freeway, and made a left onto Topanga Canyon Boulevard. The farthest I’d ever traveled outside of campus was Santa Monica, so this outer part of Los Angeles was foreign territory to me.

  It was a little generic, with all the fast food restaurants and hotel chains, but I didn’t see a pornography studio anywhere in sight, and the closer we got to the cemetery, the more the trees on both sides of the road seemed to flourish. After so much time spent on the depressing L.A. freeways, we were back in the green again.

  “It should be up here on the right,” I said, pointing to nowhere in particular. When I saw the family of six crossing the street dressed all in black, I knew we were in the right place.

  “I’m gonna go over here,” Lukas said, and he parked the car in the dirt across from the cemetery.

  He turned off the ignition, and we just sat there for a moment. Neither of us budged.

  “You gonna be all right?” he finally asked.

  I massaged my eyelids, and said, “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

  “Okay.” He stepped out of the car and opened the door for me, again. He didn’t need to, but that was Lukas.

  I wedged my purse under the back seat, and stepped out into the blinding sunlight. We had to walk up a long, winding road to get to the church on the top of the hill. From far away it looked tiny, like a little shack, but as we got closer it grew to the size of a cathedral. I’d only been to one funeral in my life—for my paternal grandfather, who passed away when I was twelve—and all I remembered was a lot of awkward crying. I also remembered a room that sat about twenty people, but, judging from the building before me, it looked like at least a hundred were coming to pay their respects to Melanie Swanson.

  We reached the front steps of the church. Melanie’s mother Mary was at the top, a veil over her face, greeting guests and dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, and Melanie's dad Bill stood to the right of her, shaking hands and doing his best not to cry.

  Someone else was there, too, standing to the left of Mary. She was also shaking hands and receiving hugs from various people. No veil covered her face. It was as plain as the cloudless sky above us.

  “What the fuck,” I said.

  “Huh?” Lukas reached for my hand, but I ran out in front of him, all the way up the steps. I even pushed past someone to get a better look.

  “Oh my God,” I said, stopping in front of the young woman. “Melanie?”

  Chapter 15

  The girl wiped a tear from her cheek, and shook her head. “No, no. But don't worry. I get that all the time.”

  I shut my mouth. I shouldn't have said anything.

  “Sydney, right?” Melanie’s mother asked.

  I was surprised she recognized me. I had only met her once, on the day Melanie moved into our freshman dorms. “Yes, hello, Mrs. Swanson. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  “Thank you.” She turned to her left. “Michelle, this is Sydney, Melanie’s former roommate at LMU. Sydney, this is Michelle, Melanie’s sister.”

  “Oh.” Melanie so rarely talked about her family I almost forgot she had a sister. She had visited the campus a couple times, but we still had never crossed paths. “Hi Michelle. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

  I put my hand out, but she didn't return the gesture. She just said, “Same to you,” and shifted her gaze to the next clump of mourners heading up the steps.

  I forced a warm smile, and headed into the church. I went to pull Lukas to the side, but my hand only grasped the stuffy air.

  “Lukas?” I whirled around. He had vanished. “Where are you?”

  I surveyed the crowd but didn’t see him. My gaze stopped on Michelle. It was borderline creepy how much she resembled Melanie; from the head down, she was the spitting image. Same green eyes, same cute little nose, same shade of blonde in her straightened hair. Except Michelle cut her hair a little shorter. And she looked a tad younger in the face, closer to sixteen years old, or seventeen, maybe.

  “Hey, I’m right here,” Lukas said from behind a pillar, like some kind of ghost.

  I moved out of the way of the oncoming mourners and stepped behind the pillar. “Where’d you go? Were you avoiding Melanie’s mom?”

  “Uhh, yeah. What was I supposed to say? I'll miss Melanie? We're in a freaking church, I didn't want to lie to her.”

  I grabbed him by the hand and whisked him toward the pews. “You're such a weirdo,” I said. We found two empty seats toward the front, five rows back. I sat at the end and gave Lukas the seat next to me.

  I glanced at the back of the church. Looked up and down the rows at all the unfamiliar faces.

  “Have you seen Evan?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “No, I haven't.”

  “He has to be here. How can he not be here?”

  “I’m sure he’s around somewhere. Maybe he's in the front row?”

  I tried to get a proper glimpse, but a man the height of an NBA player was seated in front of me. “Save my seat. I’m gonna go look.”

  “You’re gonna what?”

  I didn’t let him stop me. I tiptoed down the left side of the church, and glanced at a dozen more faces—but, again, I didn’t recognize a single one. I had lived with Melanie for two years. Who were all these people?

  I reached the front aisle. The three people closest to the end looked up at me in confusion, but I didn’t care. I scoured every face,
until I saw Evan seated closest to the center.

  There was no classy way to walk across the front of the church without being noticed by everyone, so I just did it. I strolled up to him, and stopped at his side. He looked like death, like he had been crying all day.

  “Evan,” I said.

  He gazed up at me, with those big blue eyes that made my heart stop every time. “Sydney. Hi.”

  “I wanted to say how sorry I am.” I wrapped my arms around him, and rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m here for you, if you need someone to talk to.”

  “Thanks,” he said, and patted me, awkwardly, on the back.

  I put my hand on top of his, and brought my head back up. “I’m serious, all right? If you ever need to talk to me, I'm—”

  Someone cleared her throat real loud behind me. I turned around. Melanie's mom. I was blocking her seat.

  “Oh. Oh, sorry,” I said. I nodded at her, then at Evan, and headed back to Lukas.

  I found my row and sat down. Took a deep, satisfying breath.

  “What was that all about?” Lukas asked. “And why are you smiling?”

  “What? I am not smiling. It was just nice to finally see him, that's all—”

  “Shh!” the tall man in front of me uttered. “Will you please quiet down?”

  I crossed my arms, and sat up straight, like a good little girl. “Of course. Sorry.”

  The funeral began a minute later, and lasted for an hour. Eight people spoke in total, including Melanie’s aunt and uncle, and a cousin named Brandi. The most moving speech came from her maternal grandfather, Stephen, but neither Melanie's parents nor Michelle got up to say anything, nor did Evan. I kept waiting for him to deliver a heartfelt speech, talk about all the joys and frustrations of her last year on Earth—of anybody, Evan would have known these things the most. But he stayed seated the entire time.

  After the funeral, everyone headed out to the courtyard to discuss memories of Melanie, and Lukas and I sat at an empty table near the back.

  “So what did you think?” I asked.

  “It was nice, I guess. That Brandi girl rambled on way too long, tried to make everything about her. But for the most part it wasn't too bad.”

  I nodded, my eyes locked on all the guests. They were making polite conversation, not making any big emotional scenes. The exterior of the church was lovely, with two large circular fountains, and a garden that seemed to stretch for half a mile.

  “I think Melanie would have been pleased,” I said. “I mean, as pleased as you can be about your own funeral.”

  “You know what I was surprised by?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “I was surprised Evan didn’t say anything. The mom, I guess I can understand. She’s still grieving. But Evan should've gotten up there, maybe told a story or something.”

  “I know, I was thinking the same thing. But maybe he didn't want to get up and talk in front of all those people. There were a lot of people in there.”

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  “Plus he’s probably still grieving about Melanie just as much as her mom. Maybe he thought if he went up there, he would've started crying.”

  Lukas tapped his fingers against the table. “Sydney, come on. Are you really that naïve?”

  I finally focused on Lukas, and not the strangers surrounding me. “What are you talking about?”

  “He kissed you the night she died.”

  My head told me to stay still, but my body took on a mind of its own. I pushed my hand over his mouth and darted my eyes every which way. “Shh! Lukas! What the hell’s the matter with you?” A few people looked our way, briefly, then went back to their conversations.

  He muffled a few words, but I couldn’t hear him. I brought my hands down.

  “Sorry, I wasn't thinking,” he said.

  “No you weren't.” I brought my elbows down to the table, and sighed. “I never should’ve told you. God, if someone finds out about that…”

  “What? You told me it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

  “Not to him, it wasn’t.” I looked up. Evan, seemingly out of nowhere, was walking right toward me. “Oh!” I said, to no one in particular.

  He stopped in front of our table and said, “Hi Syd, Lukas. So nice you guys could make it.”

  “Of course,” I said. “That was a really nice service.”

  “Yeah, it was. We were pretty overwhelmed with all the people who showed. It's a testament to the kind of person Melanie was, you know?”

  “I know, I was just telling Lukas about that. I had no idea Melanie had so many friends and loved ones. It was really inspiring.”

  “If I have even half the amount of people at my funeral, I'll be thrilled,” Lukas said, chiming in without a warning. “I mean... not like I'll be there to see it or anything. Unless I'm looking down from the clouds.”

  Evan and I glanced at Lukas, perplexed. “So,” I said, breaking the awkward silence, “Evan, you have any plans this summer?”

  He leaned against the chair on the other side of the table, apparently not committed enough to the conversation to take a seat. “I’m going to New York next week to stay with my dad for awhile. He got me an internship with his law firm.”

  “Oh, that's nice of him. For how long?”

  “A month or so, just to get my feet wet. I’m not moving in with Todd and Zach until the end of June, so I have some time.”

  My body literally shivered at the mention of those two names. I tried to stay calm. Not only were Todd and Zach vermin of the Earth; they had been at Reece's party, could have even played a part in Melanie’s death. Did Evan not know that?

  I hadn’t talked to anyone who had been with Melanie her final night, but everything I’d read from the newspaper article, and heard from friends of friends, all said the same thing, that Melanie had taken it upon herself that night to outdrink everyone in the whole goddamned house. Her sorority sister Daisy said, in the article, “She was just trying to blow off some steam before finals, and wanted to have a good time.” But that excuse didn’t sit well with me. Melanie had told me the last time I saw her that she wanted to take it easy at Reece's party. What changed her mind?

  Part of me wanted to know the truth, and another part wanted to go about the rest of my life never having to find it out. Evan kissed me, the same night she died. Had she found out? Had they talked about it? Did she drink herself to death because she was depressed, because of what he did, because of what I let him do? The more days that passed, the more I kept telling myself, Melanie’s dead, and there’s nothing you can do to bring her back. But it haunted me, the not knowing.

  “Did you guys get a house?” I asked, trying to focus on the here and now.

  “Yeah. A three-bedroom. It's about two blocks from campus, it’s really nice. And the rent's not bad at all.”

  Evan looked so handsome in his black suit and tie. He had grown a little facial hair since the last time I saw him, on his chin; it made him look like the world's cutest rock star. What had happened with Melanie hadn't changed a thing. I still wanted him. I wanted him right then more than ever before.

  He stepped away from the table, and put his hand in his pocket. “Well. I should keep making the rounds, I guess.”

  “Okay,” I said. I shifted my chair toward him. “Evan, don't be a stranger, okay? Like I said inside, you can call me anytime you want. I…” I shouldn’t have said it. Not there. Not on a day to remember Melanie. “I miss you.”

  He stared into my eyes for a moment, with an expression so blank he could have kissed me, or thrown a rock at me, I had no idea. Instead, he walked around the table and gave me a tender hug. “I miss you too, Syd.” He stood back up, and nodded at Lukas. “Thanks both of you for coming. It means a lot.” He kept walking, and started chatting up some adults at the table next to us.

  “Wow,” Lukas said.

  “Wow, what?”

  He smiled at me. Didn’t say a word.

  “What is it?” I asked.r />
  “He likes you. I never really noticed before, but I watched him closely right then. The way he looked at you, the way he hugged you. I mean, he barely acknowledged me, so that might have been part of it…”

  “Evan does not like me, what’s the matter with you?” I whispered. I leaned in closer. “This is his girlfriend’s funeral. He was just being polite.”

  “You're probably right, but... I’m just telling you. That's how it came off to me.”

  “Are you trying to make me feel worse about the fact that he's leaving for a month? What if it's longer than that?” I leaned back in my chair. “I mean, what if he doesn't ever come back?”

  “He will,” Lukas said. “Something tells me he's not going anywhere.”

  His words put a smile on my face, for a second or two. But when one of the adults looked my way, I quickly turned my smile to a frown.

  “You ready to go?” I asked, but I didn't wait for an answer. We stood up and headed toward the church exit. I waved back at Evan, but he was too preoccupied to notice.

  We found the top of the staircase. There was just one person in sight.

  “Oh,” I said. “Michelle, right?”

  She turned toward me, a thick pair of sunglasses covering most of her face. She looked so much like Melanie that I nearly gave her a hug, thinking we were on friendly terms. But this girl was a total stranger.

  “Leaving already?” She pressed her lips together. I really wanted to know what she was thinking.

  “Yeah, we have to get back,” I said, even though we had nowhere to be for the rest of the day. “It was nice to meet you.” I put out my hand, again.

  “You too.” This time she shook it, albeit a little too hard. Lukas stayed back, like always, and headed down the steps.

  “Maybe I’ll see you around?” I asked.

  “Yeah, for sure,” Michelle said.

  I followed Lukas to the bottom of the staircase, and glanced back at Melanie’s younger sister, one last time. She crossed her arms, and rested her back up against the cement wall. Her sunglasses made it so that she could have been looking anywhere, but I felt her gaze bearing into my skin, like a laser beam.